Costco Strikes Again

Ok I can’t keep it in any longer. This past weekend I went undercover and infiltrated one of the most popular and yes, disgusting, places on the planet. A place so vile and societally-embarassing (just go with that as being good grammar) that I found it hard to muster up the energy to write about it. Even though I’ve done so in the past with great fervor.

Writer’s block be damned. This article pushed me over the edge…

Costco to sell wedding dresses

One of the few (See: Many) things in this world that drive me crazy and force me to take my voice to the blog world. Leave it to Costco to get me back on track! I'm fairly certain I'd be a ratings hit if a cable network decided to follow me as I walk around Costco. It's almost like my thoughts are written on my forehead. I may have been undercover, per se, but I think everyone I passed knew what I was thinking...and hated me for it. I half-thought the Gestapo would enter at any moment and "escort" me out the hangar doors.

Yes, well, due to a day off and nothing to do I infiltrated the communist gates in Wayne, NJ and made my way into the warehouse of goods. I had a short list of about 5 or 6 items the wife wanted me to accumulate. See at Costco you don’t buy items. You accumulate them. I successfully went 1 for 6 in my search and spent an hour doing so.

I found myself wandering around amongst a sea of over-consumption, candy by the truckload, sandbags disguised as white rice and any other item you could possibly imagine. Mr. Costco must’ve had himself quite a busy winter since his stolen goods warehouse was stocked. Someone needs to legitimately provide me with an argument in defense of this place. There is no mistaking it. Costco is synonymous with a stolen goods warehouse no different than ones found in the seedy underbelly of America’s big cities.

Not only did I feel the need to shower when I left the place but I also felt the need to diet. I think I gained 3 lbs just entering the warehouse. Weight gain by osmosis.

I don’t need to rehash every ridiculous thing I found in each aisle but I do have to make special note of the following observations:

1) Not only can you purchase garage doors at Costco but now you can buy a casket for your favorite family member. Fantastic!

2) When I’m searching for a particular type of peanut and I run into GPS’s in the same aisle I know there is a problem.

3) When Tequila and the kids drink Fruitables are next to one another you know it’s time to question your reality.

4) I watched a man sampling mattresses pretty soon after I entered....an hour later he hadn't moved from the last mattress he sampled. Where am I?

Here’s one piece of advice for Mr. Costco since I know I will forever fight this losing battle:

If you’re going to house all your stolen goods in this warehouse and charge a membership fee the least you can do is provide signs indicating what’s down each aisle. And while you’re at, Mr. C’, for the love of all things communist please employ some Professional Organizers to give the warehouse a little better continuity. When I'm looking for granola I shouldn't have to bump into boxes of ceiling fans. Thanks.

5 Societal Observations

1) Who are the morons with a foot of snow on the top of their car a week after a snow storm? It drives me crazy. First of all you look like you’re driving around with a mattress dipped in white-out that happens to be the exact size of your roof. Second of all, are you that lazy where even after a week of snowfall you are yet to brush it off?

2) Do you ever notice that when people save a file on their computer they don’t use spaces in between the words? It’s always annoyed me but lately it’s driving me crazy. Use a god damn space people. You’re allowed to. It’s not like the file saving component disallows it. What’s even more annoying is the people that use the underscore in between each word. Why are you afraid to simply use a space??!! Name the file like a normal human being please!

3) People need to cut the crap and stop using their flashers when the roads get a bit hairy. We understand why you’re driving extra-slow in the right lane. Turn the god damn flashers off. We get it. We understand. The roads are bad. Give it a rest.

4) The practice of car owners who refuse to park their precious vehicles near other cars because god forbid someone should park too close and maybe nick it! Even worse, when they decide that one spot is not enough for them so they park diagonally in the corner of the lot. Or simply park on the top of the white line. If your car is that precious where you feel you’re obligated to more parking spot than the rest of us sedan owners than keep the thing in the garage. And if you want to park a half mile away in the mall parking lot as to ensure noone is around you then you should consider taking anxiety meds. I know a few of you out there who do this. Come on now…

5) I cant stand when I see parents “walking” their children. I’m sorry but that backpack that looks like a monkey is a leash. Would you put a leash around your child’s waist if it didn’t look like a monkey? No you wouldn’t. Well this is the same thing. If the monkey makes you feel less guilty than so be it but know it’s demeaning. So now we’re in an age where people carry their ratty little dogs in handbags but “walk” our children. Think about it. How about holding your child’s hand? Novel idea.

A Book Is a Conquest

Now that the holiday season is officially in our rearview mirror I’d like to discuss something that has been on my mind. It has to do with technology. A certain technology that is beginning to take over a certain landscape of society. I think its only prudent I take my opinion to the blog world so the people closest to me realize the errors of their ways. There are several readers of mine that fall into this category and it’s disturbing. I implore those of you and all others to change your ways since it’s a disturbing and frightening trend that needs to come to an end.

A book should not be read on a mini-computer screen.

A book, my friends, is a conquest. It’s a trophy. It’s a gold-starred book report pinned to your parent’s refrigerator. It’s tangible. It exists in the three-dimensional world.

A book belongs on a shelf not a hard drive. You turn the page. You dont scroll from page to page. You don’t upload or download a book. You stand on line and buy a book. Hell, you even add a book to “Your Cart” and wait 3-5 business days.

This technologically-unnecessary product called The Kindle is bringing our society down one downloaded book at a time. I’m quite certain in my belief that anyone who says they have “read a book” on Kindle has lost grip on reality. You have done nothing of the sort.

The problem lies in the definition of what a “ book” truly is. A “book” is not Chapter 1 – Chapter 20. A “book” is the binding. It’s the cover and the inside flap. It’s the chosen font. A “book” is hard cover or paper back. (preferably hard cover) A “book” sits on your desk silently calling your name. A “book” sits on your nightstand awaiting bedtime. A “book” stands upright on your shelf and reminds you of the time you felt the author was speaking out to you. It reminds you of the time when you found yourself shedding a tear during the climactic chapter.

A “book” is more than words. A “book” is someone’s story. A “book” is someone’s passion. A “book” is A – Z. It's the recipe as well as the finished product.

A “book” and all it’s texture and depth belongs in your hands and not on a computer screen.

A book…everyone…has a soul. Don’t rob yourself of that soul. Appreciate the soul.

…Appreciate the soul.