Part 1 - Bagel Purchasing Anxiety (BPA)
For those of you out there who tend to think life is fun, stress free and all-in-all one giant playground I offer you a look at how the average man (myself) looks at life. The following is an anxiety of mine that I battle on a semi-regular basis. Life shouldn’t be so stressful but for someone afflicted with BPA it can be nothing but.
Who doesn’t love bagels? (readers from the South and Midwest need not answer) A good bagel is a great thing. In fact, one can argue that a good buttered bagel in conjunction with a nice cup of hot chocolate is one of the simplest yet greatest meals on record. That being said the idea of enjoying the bagel happens only after the terror of purchasing the bagel. Or in the case of someone stricken by BPA – purchasing 2 dozen bagels.
Some of you out there are reading this thinking I’m crazy. Go ahead and laugh at me. You should know that this is no laughing matter. I’m a realist suffering with BPA. And if you’re a realist with BPA you understand the fact that having to decide how many of each type of bagel to purchase is one of the more stressful events you can undergo in any given morning.
This morning I purchased 2 dozen bagels (+ the proverbial 2 free bagels which now brings the astronomical total to 26) Here was how I broke it down. And the following list is in order of how I placed the order:
(6) Plain
(3) Onion
(3) Garlic
Analysis: Bang! Just like that I knocked out a dozen. Doing good so far. Only I see what’s going to happen already – I’m gonna be entirely too short on the Onion and Garlics.
(3) Poppy
(3) Sesame
Analysis: Can’t go wrong with old reliables when under pressure. It’s possible I’ll be the only ones eating them though. Poppy and Sesame are very mid-90’s. Maybe a bad decision. Now I’m freaking out. I only have 6 to go.
(3) Cinnamon Raisin
Analysis: My mind is racing here. I know people like these creative type of bagels only I’m not an expert in the best kinds. I know the common ones though so that’s where I went. Not an easy choice and it never is when you suffer from BPA.
(3) Plain
Analysis: I might’ve begun to shake before I made this choice. Talk about folding under the pressure. At this point just give me the bagels and get me the hell out’ve here…
(2) Everythinig
Analysis: Damn the Bonus 2! Although thank goodness for the Bonus 2 since I know a lot of Bagel Eaters enjoy the Everything. I think I actually stepped up to the plate with the Bonus 2. Good pick under immense pressure. Hopefully made up for the poor finale selection of (3) plain.
In an agonizing 2 minutes of having to choose 26 bagels I think I would give myself a B-. The Poppy and Sesame choices lack any real flair nowadays and I think in some circles I may even get laughed at. Whole Wheat and Egg were two notables that got lost in the 2-minute frenzy. I also think I should’ve had more Onion and Garlic. Hmm, maybe a C+ now that I think about it…
The moral of the story is that there is an immense amount of pressure in ordering bagels for everyone. What if people don’t like Onion and Garlic and the rush to get the plain bagels hits early? They’re sitting there sans Plain bagel complaining that there aren’t enough. Then you have the creative types clamoring for more Garlic or, in this case the non-existent Everything bagels. Agonizing. The scenarios can go on and on.
Do you see how difficult this is people? BPA is by no means a laughing matter. Do you or anyone you know suffer from BPA? What does everyone else think about the order? Any suggestions on how I should break it down the next time I find myself under the proverbial gun?
Author’s Note: This blog was intended to list several anxieties. However due to the length of the current BPA post I will feature a different anxiety in a future post under the banner of “Anxiety Central.” A running series of posts if you will.
For those of you out there who tend to think life is fun, stress free and all-in-all one giant playground I offer you a look at how the average man (myself) looks at life. The following is an anxiety of mine that I battle on a semi-regular basis. Life shouldn’t be so stressful but for someone afflicted with BPA it can be nothing but.
Who doesn’t love bagels? (readers from the South and Midwest need not answer) A good bagel is a great thing. In fact, one can argue that a good buttered bagel in conjunction with a nice cup of hot chocolate is one of the simplest yet greatest meals on record. That being said the idea of enjoying the bagel happens only after the terror of purchasing the bagel. Or in the case of someone stricken by BPA – purchasing 2 dozen bagels.
Some of you out there are reading this thinking I’m crazy. Go ahead and laugh at me. You should know that this is no laughing matter. I’m a realist suffering with BPA. And if you’re a realist with BPA you understand the fact that having to decide how many of each type of bagel to purchase is one of the more stressful events you can undergo in any given morning.
This morning I purchased 2 dozen bagels (+ the proverbial 2 free bagels which now brings the astronomical total to 26) Here was how I broke it down. And the following list is in order of how I placed the order:
(6) Plain
(3) Onion
(3) Garlic
Analysis: Bang! Just like that I knocked out a dozen. Doing good so far. Only I see what’s going to happen already – I’m gonna be entirely too short on the Onion and Garlics.
(3) Poppy
(3) Sesame
Analysis: Can’t go wrong with old reliables when under pressure. It’s possible I’ll be the only ones eating them though. Poppy and Sesame are very mid-90’s. Maybe a bad decision. Now I’m freaking out. I only have 6 to go.
(3) Cinnamon Raisin
Analysis: My mind is racing here. I know people like these creative type of bagels only I’m not an expert in the best kinds. I know the common ones though so that’s where I went. Not an easy choice and it never is when you suffer from BPA.
(3) Plain
Analysis: I might’ve begun to shake before I made this choice. Talk about folding under the pressure. At this point just give me the bagels and get me the hell out’ve here…
(2) Everythinig
Analysis: Damn the Bonus 2! Although thank goodness for the Bonus 2 since I know a lot of Bagel Eaters enjoy the Everything. I think I actually stepped up to the plate with the Bonus 2. Good pick under immense pressure. Hopefully made up for the poor finale selection of (3) plain.
In an agonizing 2 minutes of having to choose 26 bagels I think I would give myself a B-. The Poppy and Sesame choices lack any real flair nowadays and I think in some circles I may even get laughed at. Whole Wheat and Egg were two notables that got lost in the 2-minute frenzy. I also think I should’ve had more Onion and Garlic. Hmm, maybe a C+ now that I think about it…
The moral of the story is that there is an immense amount of pressure in ordering bagels for everyone. What if people don’t like Onion and Garlic and the rush to get the plain bagels hits early? They’re sitting there sans Plain bagel complaining that there aren’t enough. Then you have the creative types clamoring for more Garlic or, in this case the non-existent Everything bagels. Agonizing. The scenarios can go on and on.
Do you see how difficult this is people? BPA is by no means a laughing matter. Do you or anyone you know suffer from BPA? What does everyone else think about the order? Any suggestions on how I should break it down the next time I find myself under the proverbial gun?
Author’s Note: This blog was intended to list several anxieties. However due to the length of the current BPA post I will feature a different anxiety in a future post under the banner of “Anxiety Central.” A running series of posts if you will.
2 comments:
Greco, you grew up with many Jewish friends who clearly didn't rub off on you. Here's your first mistake: no plain bagels. That's just boring. At worst, get two plans and six everything. But I would lean towards more Sesame. You can always brush off the seeds.
You're missing half the selection process though: What shmears did you choose? Please tell me at least one little container of over priced lox spread...
Being a bagel picker for several more years than Joe, I confronted this anxiety way back in my rookie days. I agree with your selections, I, too, forgo the egg as well as any type of sun-dried tomato or asiago cheese variety - these are clearly for the hoity-toity posers and not the true bagel connoisseur. You also may want to consider upping your cinnamon count to account for a greater sweet tooth population. Just a suggestion.
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