June 5, 2009

From City to Citi in One Night

A few weeks ago I ventured my way out to Queens to watch the New York Mets beat up on the Philadelphia Phillies. (or the "Phil-Dogs" as my unfortunate South Jersey/Philly coworkers like to call them) You experience the full gamut of personalities while making such a commute. Harrison Path train – WTC (to meet up with rabid Mets fan, Moody’s Finance Sensation and Soon-to-be Guest Blogger Matt Donohue) – 4 Train to Midtown, I think – then the good old 7 train to Queens. Yes, the full gamut.

Not only did the commute offer me ample opportunity to critique people but it also took me to Citi Field which for all those living under a rock is the new field the Mets play at. No more Shea. Although thanks to Kevin James’ son and also Chipper Jones’ son the name “Shea” lives on.

As a result of said commute I was able to make some mental notes for a future blog. Thanks to fellow Mets fan Matt Donohue’s clever idea for the title of this entry I have decided to get my opinions down once and for all. Grab a cup of coffee, read up and enjoy. Maybe you’ll learn something…

1. Never use your cell phone while on the train. Texting was invented for people who commute to work on trains. Utilize it. It doesn’t make any sense to me how people can go about their conversations in all their glory when sitting next to complete strangers. There has to be some kind’ve gene for that. I know I don’t have it thank god. I have the common sense gene. I know that its rude to be yapping with someone on a phone while in cramped quarters (see also elevators, waiting rooms, dressing rooms)

2. Unless you are a female you should try to steer clear of wearing a jersey to the game. A hat? Yes. You can wear a Mets hat. But please don’t wear a jersey. A t-shirt? Maybe. Depends on your non-verbals when you are wearing it. Are you acting all “pumped” for the game? If so, you should be embarrassed. If you’re low-profile with your Reyes t-shirt on I’ll give it an ok. But don’t’ push it.

3. Going back to #2…Girls are encouraged to wear any and all team related clothing. There are few things more attractive (well, more than a few but you get my point) than a girl who dresses up for the game in a jersey and jeans (don’t forget about the ponytail) as opposed to feeling like they need to dress up like they are going out for a night on the town. I’m happy to say that my wife recognizes this and supports said fact. Thanks babe.

4. When going to a ballgame follow the familiar cliché, “act like you’ve been there before.” There is nothing worse than seeing a couple guys talk about how psyched they are to see “THE METS POUND THE PHILS. ROLLINS SUCKS BRO’…” Honestly. Sit down. Or grab a pole and stand still and shut your mouth. Talk lower if you’re gonna talk about the game and at least sound intelligent if you must.

5. Now we’re at the game. Don’t take pictures outside the stadium like you’re a tourist in Times Square. Again, act like you’ve been there. This aint the Statue of Liberty, folks. It’s a baseball stadium. Don’t pose with friends in front of Jackie Robinson’s Rotunda as if it were the Sistine Chapel.

6. While at your seat you should never have any of the following in hand: Binoculars, souvenirs, cameras or a glove…

7. …while we’re on the subject of gloves. If you are over the age of 12 (preferably 11) you should NEVER bring a baseball glove into a stadium. I don’t care if they chose to play with stones instead of baseballs. If you are an adult and you bring a glove you should be permanently barred from the stadium. Fact. End of discussion. It boggles my mind when I see grown men with their gloves all excited to catch a foul ball or a home run. You should be ashamed of yourself if you fall into this category. Seriously, honestly, if you are guilty of this offense take a moment to think about it. Its that grave of a problem. Catch the ball with your hand. Preferably with a beer in the other hand. Not an easy task I know. But when it happens and you get on tv and Gary Cohen compliments the catch you’ll thank me. But if you’re the dimwit with a David Wright home jersey on and your new glove that you had wrapped in rubber bands last night you need to leave the premises immediately. Immediately.

8. Ok. So you’re sitting in your section and you look over and you see a food stand. There is a hot dog stand and there is a sushi stand. Which do you choose? If you chose the latter please read on. If you chose the hot dog then good for you. If you were so unfortunate to choose the sushi stand then someone should take that glove of yours and smack you square in the face. These new stadiums are great. However, they are offering way too much in the way of food variety. You are at a baseball game. The following is a list of allowable food: Hot Dogs, Pretzels, Peanuts, Cracker Jacks, Sausage and Cheesesteaks. That’s it. No pizza. No sushi. No fancy sandwiches. None of it. Would I give you a hard time if you got a hamburger? No I wouldn’t. But don’t think I wouldn’t be thinking to myself, “this schmuck orders a hamburger when there are hot dogs. Who does he think he is? At least he didn’t get a California roll.”

9. High-Fiving fellow fans after a big homerun is acceptable. But only after a crucial home run. If it’s a blow out game, even if its your team that’s winning (blow out constitutes being ahead by at least 5 runs), and your team hits one you can stand and be happy but you should not be high-fiving others. If someone put theirs up in a gesture indicative of a high-five you have to figure out a way to either ignore it or act like you don’t have a free hand. One hand in pocket and one hand holding a beer works well.

10. And last but certainly not least. Should you ever find yourself participating in the “YANKEES SUCK” chant (when you’re not playing them), or yelling “YOU SUCK UTLEY!” (or whomever, in this case if the Mets were playing the Phillies) from the mezzanine where the only thing that can really hear you are the pigeons then would you please leave the building and spare us from your over-indulgence of stupidity??