February 28, 2011

Costco Strikes Again

Ok I can’t keep it in any longer. This past weekend I went undercover and infiltrated one of the most popular and yes, disgusting, places on the planet. A place so vile and societally-embarassing (just go with that as being good grammar) that I found it hard to muster up the energy to write about it. Even though I’ve done so in the past with great fervor.

Writer’s block be damned. This article pushed me over the edge…

Costco to sell wedding dresses

One of the few (See: Many) things in this world that drive me crazy and force me to take my voice to the blog world. Leave it to Costco to get me back on track! I'm fairly certain I'd be a ratings hit if a cable network decided to follow me as I walk around Costco. It's almost like my thoughts are written on my forehead. I may have been undercover, per se, but I think everyone I passed knew what I was thinking...and hated me for it. I half-thought the Gestapo would enter at any moment and "escort" me out the hangar doors.

Yes, well, due to a day off and nothing to do I infiltrated the communist gates in Wayne, NJ and made my way into the warehouse of goods. I had a short list of about 5 or 6 items the wife wanted me to accumulate. See at Costco you don’t buy items. You accumulate them. I successfully went 1 for 6 in my search and spent an hour doing so.

I found myself wandering around amongst a sea of over-consumption, candy by the truckload, sandbags disguised as white rice and any other item you could possibly imagine. Mr. Costco must’ve had himself quite a busy winter since his stolen goods warehouse was stocked. Someone needs to legitimately provide me with an argument in defense of this place. There is no mistaking it. Costco is synonymous with a stolen goods warehouse no different than ones found in the seedy underbelly of America’s big cities.

Not only did I feel the need to shower when I left the place but I also felt the need to diet. I think I gained 3 lbs just entering the warehouse. Weight gain by osmosis.

I don’t need to rehash every ridiculous thing I found in each aisle but I do have to make special note of the following observations:

1) Not only can you purchase garage doors at Costco but now you can buy a casket for your favorite family member. Fantastic!

2) When I’m searching for a particular type of peanut and I run into GPS’s in the same aisle I know there is a problem.

3) When Tequila and the kids drink Fruitables are next to one another you know it’s time to question your reality.

4) I watched a man sampling mattresses pretty soon after I entered....an hour later he hadn't moved from the last mattress he sampled. Where am I?

Here’s one piece of advice for Mr. Costco since I know I will forever fight this losing battle:

If you’re going to house all your stolen goods in this warehouse and charge a membership fee the least you can do is provide signs indicating what’s down each aisle. And while you’re at, Mr. C’, for the love of all things communist please employ some Professional Organizers to give the warehouse a little better continuity. When I'm looking for granola I shouldn't have to bump into boxes of ceiling fans. Thanks.