October 21, 2009

The Overdue Blogger

Its been quite some time now since I’ve made my contribution to the world (aka, blogging) A couple things have happened of late that have inspired me to vent. More “life observations and things that drive me crazy” if you will.

For those who haven’t noticed already I enjoy putting my thoughts down in list format. So here it goes…

1) The Overly Emotional in Public Fan

My wife and I were enjoying a nice dinner and a few beers at a local watering hole in town the other night. It happened to be the same night the Yankees were playing in one of their increasingly aggravating postseason games in which they win. Evidently about halfway through my medium rare buffalo burger something exciting happens in the game. As a result half the bar erupts in cheer and everyone claps as though we were watching the first ever NASA moon landing.

Some might sit there and say to yourself,
“why is that such a bad thing? They’re fans and they’re at a bar and their team
is winning in the playoff!?”
Here’s why: Because in public (these rules do not apply if you are attending the event. “Public” refers to bars, restaurants, etc.) you should never cheer or clap for anything other than moon landings. Ever. End of discussion. Unless of course you are from Philadelphia in which case have a valid reason – you’re a lunatic sports fan. (that’s another blog for another time)

2) The Airplane Landing

This brings me to another situation in which overly enthusiastic clappers need to be reigned in. The Airplane Landing. This one is even worse than The Overly Emotional Fan in Public. The past several years I have done a lot of traveling. And nothing is more embarrassing then when you land and the plane erupts. Clapping everywhere. Some moron starts it and then others follow as though we just survived a flight thru the worst meteor storm since the Cretaceous Period. And this happens when the flight is smooth which is mind boggling. Maybe if we lost power and our plane dipped at an alarming rate and our altitude was taking a nose dive. Maybe. Maybe I’ll understand clapping. Actually no. I wont understand it. You can thank the pilot on your way out. Clapping for a landing is like clapping after your dentist cleans your teeth. Do you do that? If you do then maybe you’re just an overly enthusiastic person and there’s no stopping you.

3) The In a Rush To Leave Airplane Passenger

Speaking of airplanes, The In a Rush To Leave Airplane Passenger is another one that drives me crazy. We all know what and who I’m talking about. Hell it might be one of you reading this right now. What the hell is the rush?! I liken it to a horse race. As soon as that seat belts sign goes off and the “ding” can be heard its as though the gates have been opened. Who can get to their overhead compartment fastest! They should have a trumpet player on board playing that Call to Post like they do at the races. “Ding”.
“And they’re off! John from Missouri gets off to a quick lead while Claire from
West Virginia gets to her purse quicker than expected. But here comes Bob from
Arkansas! He’s moving quickly and has his carry-on out and ready to go!...”
Well done people. Well done. Now you all have your bags. I guess you can leave now since you’re in a rush. Oh wait. No you cant. Since you now stand for 15 minutes! Good thing you were in such a rush! Thank goodness you got out’ve your seat as fast as you did. Otherwise you wouldn’t be standing cramped in the aisle dodging other crazies trying to get their bags from the overhead. I know coach class is not exactly comfortable and the more time to stretch the better but come one people. Take it easy please.

4) The Pyro Loving Concert Fan

We’ve all been to concerts. I myself have not been to many but I’m slowly increasing my total of late. I don’t need to have been to 14 Springsteen concerts, 17 Phish concerts and, god forbid, 9 Dave Matthews concerts to know that the The Pyro Loving Concert Fan has got to go. What is the friegin’ obsession with holding your lighter in the air and swaying back and forth? For christs sake it's embarrassing. Don’t you feel awkward? I know some of you readers do it. I’m definitely in the minority on this one. Seriously though, be honest with yourself for a second. You can’t sit there and tell me you don’t feel like a schmuck swaying back and forth while holding a lighter in the air? Come on people. You don’t feel the least bit awkward? I don’t support lighters and swaying at funerals/memorial’s either so don’t get your hopes up. And for those of you concert-goers that wave their hands – don’t get me started.

5) The Forgetful Office Printer

Most of us work or have worked in an office atmosphere before. For those not lucky enough to have their own printer you have to print to the main printer usually centrally located in the office. Location is not important. Just used for descriptive purposes. I find it thoroughly aggravating when someone prints to the main printer and then leaves their copy of War and Peace on the printer until after lunchtime.
“Hey pal. You printed that memoir at 9am. Get off your ass and take it from the
machine. If you do it again I'm gonna post your next print job on the bulletin board. The boss wont enjoy seeing your fantasy football roster up for the clients”
I do not enjoy when my prints get mixed up with or slide off the arm because someone else is too lazy to make their pick up. It should be second nature when printing. When you click print you get up and go to the printer. Simple. Then you get multiple Forgetful Office Printer’s committing the same intolerable crime and the printer becomes on big recycling bin. It’s a mess. That same schmuck that refuses to pick up what he printed forgets he ever printed in the first place and prints again! The paper just builds and builds and builds! It's never ending!