Saturday, April 7, 2007. My mother is in the hospital.
She had been battling some annoying and seemingly harmless
pneumonia/water-in-the-lung/who-the-fuck-knows issue for a few months. Random
bouts of shortened breath frustrated her. Doctors giving her the run around on
numerous occasions was the norm. Shocking I know.
On this day; however, she was feeling great. Guess it was
just another random breathing episode in
the midst of what had become a lifestyle of trying to be healthy. Eating better,
being more active, and finally trying to take control of her body. By all
accounts it was working. She had looked great and never seemed happier.
Sitting up in her bed and in a smiley mood, she read a
furniture magazine like a kid reads a Toys ‘R’ Us circular. She was
being released and her house was being renovated so she was ready to shop!
Now comes time for the visit to end. After all, we had important
things to do. Michelle in her physically loving and outwardly affectionate way
gives my mother a big hug and kiss and tells her she loves her. It
was a short 3 months prior she lost her own. She knows not to take them for
granted.
Now I’m up. My turn at the plate.
Thoughts are churning, “Tell her you love her. Just say ‘I
love you.’ Cut the shit and just tell your mother you love her because you never
know. Look what happened to Nancy. I mean god forbid…No. I can’t. It’s just so
uncomfortable. It’ll be fine. Nothing bad’s gonna happen. Just say goodbye and all good!! Stop
overthinking it.”
3, 2, 1 go…Kiss on the cheek and, “Bye mom!”
The rest is history. That was the last time I spoke to my
mother. Those were the last words and the final thoughts that went through my
mind while I had a mother in this world.
It’s haunted me ever since.
That day has forever changed me as a person. I’m different.
I’ll always be different. I’ve become slightly obsessed with living and trying
to be healthy. I look at life totally different. I used to plan out my future
and look forward to things only to subconsciously wish the present away…as if
the present wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
I’m now terrified of death when before I never really gave
it any credit. It consumes me. It’s always on my mind.
Death is horrifying. Anyone who disagrees is kidding
themselves. You’re here one day and the next you’re not. We’re not invincible.
We’re nothing. We’re animals on a planet full of animals. No different than the
ant or the spider you killed 20 minutes ago. They were here and now they’re
not.
Nature wins. Nature always wins.
You can tell yourself there is a higher power looking out
for you all you want. If it makes you feel better believing in Fairy Tales then
I’m all for it. Be careful not to disrespect death though. Go ahead, act like a
“better place” exists.
Whats the point of this blog? I’m not sure. I’m not sure any
of my blogs have a point, per se. They’re public journals. Some people get
pissed off at what I have to say and some people love what I have to say. I
write for both audiences. I write for myself. There are people out there that
may relate to my feelings and if that’s the case, well, than that's the point of this blog.
You think about wanting to do something then do it. You want
to break up with your boyfriend? Do it. You want to quit your job and follow
your dreams? Do it. You want to write a book and pour your emotions out on paper?
Ahem, ahem, do it!
Remember, nature will win. She always does. It’s sad, morbid
and terribly depressing but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
So fucking say “I love you.”
