April 26, 2011

A Category 2 Wedding

By the end of this week I think it’s safe to say you will fall under one of the following categories:

Category 1 - I’m Sick of this Royal Wedding Shit
Category 2 – This Royal Wedding Stuff is Fascinating

As the title of my blog suggests, “Everyone is Entitled to My Opinion”  so I feel it’s important to state I’m a member of  Category 2. I’m willing to bet most of my readers out there are surprised by this fact since I tend to come off as negative. However, I’m actually a ball of positivity…what – not buyin’ that?

Here’s why I’m a Category 2 Supporter...

In a world consumed by things like the internet, computers and all things futuristic it’s nice to have a little old-fashioned Royalty. Carriages, Cavalry, Swords and Castles are much more interesting then Armored Limousines, Black SUV Motorcades, Handguns and Colonials.

In America, every girl growing up dreams of Fairytales and Princesses while boys want to be Knights and Kings. Unfortunately for them it’s fake. It’s in the movies. It’s the stuff you find animated and in Orlando or Anaheim.

Well it’s not that way in England. It’s the real deal and I find it extremely interesting.

Do I know all the history involved with The Royals? No. I don’t. And I don’t pretend to.

What I do know is that the idea of Kings and Queens and Royal Family lineage is fascinating as it relates to world history. On a lesser, more personal note, I also know I’m fascinated by Princess Di’ and what eventually happened to her in 1997.

My mother used to always tell me how much she admired Princess Di’. She always loved what she stood for and how she wouldn't allow The Royal Family to force their values on her. Therefore, I became a Princess Di’ supporter by association (PDSA). Naturally this increased my interest in The Royals and now this wedding.

It doesn’t hurt that watching Princess Di’ always reminds me of my mother – both in physical appearance and the emotional connection. Whenever I look at Princess Di's face I inevitably see my mother in her eyes. The night Princess Di’ was killed in a car accident I woke my mom up to tell her what happened. She was stunned and she cried. That always stuck with me and it’s a memory I think about quite often.

I didn’t envision this blog to lead where it lead but it did and maybe that’s why I fall under Category 2.

April 25, 2011

A Nation of Aliens

The debate of whether or not Aliens and UFO’s exist is always interesting and one of many I enjoy discussing. Much the same way I believe Atheism is another term for common sense I believe the existence of Aliens to be the same.

Now, if you really break it down I can see why someone might find it hard to believe.

If you believe in Aliens then you…

1) Believe in Alien life forms on planets
2) Believe in Alien life forms visiting other planets by way of spaceships
3) Believe in landing Alien spaceships on other planets and returning with “samples” for study
4) Believe in the idea of needing to colonize other planets for future Alien survival

I mean that’s pretty crazy!

If I were to say I believed in all of that I bet 60% of you out there would recommend a good head doctor. I wonder what happens if I change the word “Alien” with “Human”?

If you believe in Humans then you…

1) Believe in Human life forms on planets
2) Believe in Human life forms visiting other planets by way of spaceships
3) Believe in landing Human spaceships on other planets and returning with “samples” for study
4) Believe in the idea of needing to colonize other planets for future Human survival

Now what would you call me? You’d probably call me someone with common sense and someone who states the obvious. You’d probably throw a four-letter word at me also - NASA.

Still a nonbeliever?

April 21, 2011

Is It Difficult Being a Moron?

I happened on an article posted on CNN.com (which then linked to Parenting.com) called “Meet the Same Sex Parents Next Door”. It’s written by a woman who has 2 children and is raising them with her “Partner” in Brooklyn. She speaks of how her situation is becoming more a part of America’s Social Fabric than she first realized and is proud of that fact. A nice story...

And then people like joyblessedx3 had to open her mouth:

Submitted by joyblessedx3 on February 17 2011 - 12:21am.
"This article makes me sick!!! God did not make same sex people to have children for a reason!! I am SOOOOO mad at Parenting for running an article such as this. I brought it straight in from the mailbox and trashed it as soon as I saw this article. I am also throwing away all the issues I had saved now that I know the publishers have absolutely no values!!!!! Furthermore, I will be discontinuing my subscription and advising my friends as to the trash you people publish!!!!!! This is unacceptable !!!!!! I pity the children of these "women"."

Ok Ms. joyblessedx3 I now have some questions for you and your warped ideologies…

1) Did God make you the ignorant moron that you are or did you actually have to work at it?

I was planning on listing more but I’m gonna leave it at that. Short and to the point. I actually should appreciate people like this because they provide me with plenty of blogging fodder. Yet another gift from the BG's. (Blogging God's for my new readers)

Thank you, joyblessedx3, and may The Big G’ bless!


April 20, 2011

10 Questions - The Noah's Ark Edition

Considering it has now rained 47 out’ve the last 49 days here in New Jersey, and every other town conveniently located along the majestic, ahem, Passaic and Raritan Rivers is headed towards an Atlantis existence, I began thinking more and more about floods.

The type of floods where the entire world disappears. Kind’ve like the one where The Big G’ supposedly warned young Noah of before he opened up the proverbial gates.

To no one’s surprise I have some thoughts on this flood and Noah’s Ark.

Question #1
Did Noah build this boat by himself or did he have any professional help?

I only ask cause I imagine it must’ve been very difficult to construct a boat big enough to house every single animal on the planet by himself. I wonder why you really only hear about Noah. I wonder if there are distant family members who get annoyed at this story every time it rains cause they secretly harbor a resentment towards Noah and his glory seeking. Sounds to me like Noah wanted all the attention.

And what about The Big G’ himself? If he was going to flood out the world you’d think he’d at least lend a helping hand. Maybe engineering help at least. Maybe he referred a Contractor to Noah? That would’ve been helpful.

Question #2
Did Noah come up with one of those witty names for the boat or was Noah’s Ark the official name?

If I were Noah I might’ve gone with, “I Noah It’s Gonna Flood!” or “This Flood’s For You” but that’s just me.

Question #3
Again with the question of assistance – Did Noah have help in wrangling up all the animals and if so how did he travel across the world to get each one?

Maybe The Big G’ let him use his NetJet? I bet his PJ is sweet too, assuming you can handle the gaudy decorative sense he probably had. I bet the in-flght service was impeccable!

Question #4
Did Noah skirt his responsibilities once the waters receded or did he return each animal to where he got them?

Thanks to Noah…and crew (I wont forget about you folks)…we now have an animal kingdom so I hate to lay a seed of doubt amongst his greatness. The question has to be asked though.

I have to hope The Big G’ paid him handsomely for this.

Question #5
Did Joan get her name from working on Noah’s crew?

Question #6
Did Noah have a chance to decline this incredible burden asked of him?

I’m not saying I would’ve turned it down. I mean if The Big G’ asked me to build a yacht out’ve balsam wood to save the animal kingdom I’d say, “Pass the hammer!” But Noah and I may be few and far between. I wonder if he had second thoughts?

That being said, I bet his second thoughts were far from his mind when he was boozing it up on the PJ headed to the jungles of South America.

Question #7
How did the selection process go?

I mean it must’ve been heartbreaking to pick one male and one female of every species of animal and then watch them say goodbye to their loved ones. This was like the Sophie’s Choice of the era. I couldn’t imagine.

Question #8
When Noah had all the animals on board and in life jackets did they set sail or did they simply sit tight and await the flood? Also, did the aquatic animals require life jackets?

This is an interesting question. Did he build the boat on land and just wait for the water or did he head to the Mediterranean and build it in the water. I bet he had access to The Big G’s boat slip in the Mediterranean. You get sweet perks at those ritzy Marina’s too. He probably took full advantage of the evening happy hour. I know I would.

Question #9
If you were Noah what would you order at the Marina’s Happy Hour if you knew you were a storm cloud away from flooding away into oblivion?

I think I’d have a Margarita. Rocks. No salt. Simple. Slightly cliché but a favorite.

Question #10
Why did The Big G’ want to flood out the world in the first place?

He could’ve saved everyone a whole lot of heart ache if he just chose to have a big rain storm and not some apocalyptic nonsense. Was it worth it in the end considering the logistics of having to build The Ark, higher Noah for the job, pay for travel and expenses and other planning involved? I bet it was one of those life lessons things The Big G’ is so good at. Maybe Noah was lazy and he wanted to show him the value of hard work.

10 Questions to think about. I know I am. Now, if anyone has the answers to these questions please let me know. In particular, if you are a distant relative of someone who worked on Noah’s crew but didn’t get the credit deserved now is your chance to make a statement!

Bonus Question #1:
Was Noah the only human to know of this impending flood and if true did it wipe out the existing human population as well? Why wasn’t there ever a Noah’s Ark for humans?

If it was a secret it’s yet another heavy burden bestowed upon him. I bet he had to sign a confidentiality agreement much like Bruce Willis did in Armageddon. I’m willing to bet he warned more than a few people at the Marina beforehand. I imagine Noah at the very least told the bartender or the 1st pretty little lady who saddled up next to him.

Could you blame the poor guy?

Bonus Question #2:  (Sorry I can't help it)
Did Noah have a last name or was it one of those Madonna type things?

I feel like everyone only went by first names back then. Mary, Noah, God, Jesus, Joseph, John, Paul, etc etc. Or was "Christ" Jesus' last name?

Ok now I'm confused...

April 19, 2011

A Society of Bubble Wrap

Photo from NY Daily News (D. Anschutz/Getty)

It’s as if the Blog Gods, otherwise known as The BG’s, came down and handed me a gift from, well, the Gods. The following article and topic is absolutely ridiculous and anyone who may disagree with me belongs in a commune in the outer reaches of Siberia.

NY Daily News
Classic kids games like kickball deemed unsafe by state in effort to increase summer camp regulation

Now your precious little Timmy or your dainty little Madeline can’t play Kickball, Wiffle Ball, Tag, Dodgeball and any other kids games because they’re deemed dangerous??

You can’t be serious. Please tell me you’re not serious. I’m talking to you…

“Bronx resident Kim Wainright….’Kids these days are kinda brutal so I can see those games being dangerous…I agree with it.” (NY Daily News)

Oh really. Do you, Kim? Let me guess – your 5 year old is the wuss on the playground? Or the out’ve shape one? Or the one that comes home complaining they were picked last?

Society is becoming a playground of bubble wrap. Fat kids in bubble wrap!

The playground is the first place in a child’s life where they realize where they stand. They realize how to “survive”. They figure out how they stack up both physically and mentally.

It provides an arena of competition. An arena that actually exists in real life. An arena with winners and, gasp, losers!!

Kids these days are going to grow up/are growing up in a cozy little womb of righteousness. This just in, parents who support this, life is competitive. Sometimes Timmy is going to come home crying ‘cause my son whacked him in the face with a dodgeball. That doesn’t mean you go and sue the schoolboard ‘cause your son can’t catch. And if you pick up the phone and have the audacity to call me and complain here is what I’ll say to you…

“I heard about that dodgeball game. I’m proud of him for playing well. I apologize if your son got hurt. Maybe next time he’ll get to be on his team so that wont happen again.”

Instead of calling the Principal and complaining, how about teaching him to come back next time and outsmart my son. Or figure out another way to defeat him. Or if all else fails, if you cant beat ‘em – join ‘em!

Novel ideas!! If that doesn’t work I’m sure you can take ‘em in the classroom. My imaginary son probably will be beatable in that arena.

Instead of running and crying for momma how about learning and adapting. Evolution style. Survival of the Fittest.

Anyone out there that agrees with this article is wrong. Flat wrong. This is not an opinion. This is fact. Sometimes in life you lose. Sometimes in life you get hurt. Sometimes in life you get dirty. Sometimes life sucks.

This is life. Deal with it. The earlier your kids realize this the better.

April 15, 2011

A Coward Among Us

This current topic couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ve been trying to brainstorm different blog ideas for a while now. I wanted to keep my streak going but was having a hard time...

And than it happened. Forgive me. YOU happened!

I’ve fallen victim to the actions of someone without a soul. Someone so cruel and unjust it's hard to even fathom how I allowed myself to be associated with them in the first place. 

I’m taking my feelings to the blog world and now my readers from Portland to New York, Denmark to Vietnam, and Florida to Hong Kong will all see you for who you are...

A coward.

I can see you now. Mouse in hand. Clicking away like life is one giant computer screen. Emotionless. Devoid of any true feelings or sensitivity. Well let me tell you something, whoever it is you are, life isn’t played on a computer screen. It’s played with souls. It’s played with dreams. It’s played with laughter and love. And most importantly, it’s played with friends.

You Un-Friended me on Facebook.

And now I know where we stand. Now I know.

April 13, 2011

"Going Barista"

I’ve made up my mind...

I’ve come to the conclusion that the #1 Ranked Most Difficult Job In The World belongs to the baristas at Starbucks who work the Coffee Making Station.

It’s really a no brainer and I’m surprised it took me this long to figure out.

Not a Starbucks-Visit goes by without me in absolute awe of the man or woman manning that particular station. It just seems so entirely difficult and stressful that I’m willing to bet that you would find Starbucks Baristas on the Top 10 List of Jobs That Make You Want to Kill Yourself.

Think about how difficult their job really is the next time you order your Iced Grande Soy Latte Con Leche Moca Frappucino Vente Spectacular With an Extra Shot Drizzled in Caramel.

In an ironic twist The #1 Ranked Easiest Job In The World belongs to the Starbucks Cashier who doesn’t even have to give you a receipt. Just swipe the card and yell out the order. Let the Coffee Maker take care of the hard part! And take care of the hard part they do!

They’ll turn that gigantically confusing drink order into the following code: IG1C. Somehow they know exactly what it means while 47 more orders are being tossed their way. In the meantime, they have a dozen snobby coffee drinkers demanding their IG1C’s ASAP.

I’m honestly fascinated by their ability to multitask with such efficiency. You heard it hear first – within the next few years the term “Going Postal” is going to become “Going Barista”. It’s only a matter of time 'til one of them goes nuts. Only a matter of time.

And I couldn’t blame them.

April 12, 2011

Life Is So Great! Please...

Facebook kick, anyone? This will be back-to-back posts regarding Zuckerberg’s finest. I’m finding it increasingly easy to blog about the world that is Facebook. In this installment I will pose a simple, yet deep, question:

Are you honestly that happy with your life or is the idea of your glorious status update merely a smokescreen?

I’m sure it’s a little bit of both. I’m sure we all wake up some days and simply love life. We love our kids (should we have any), we love our family, we love our friends, we love whatever god you should choose to love, we are just full of love and happiness. We're all just budding with love in the flower bed of life! (You have to give me serious credit for that one. Even I impress myself sometimes.)

My question is more about the frequency of this love.

I get the feeling that if you told this guy what you tell the Facebook world he'd look right through you and say, “Is that really how you feel?” Cue the emotional breakdown of guilt.

Again, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you’re all quite happy one way or another. We all have our reasons to be happy. Some seem to be taken to an extreme though. Maybe if in between updates on how excited you are to start your day you threw in a few negatives we could take your positives a little more seriously. Here’s an example of a succession of posts that might be good…

Post 1
“Looking forward to a day with the family and my lovely kids. Been a busy week for sure.”

Post 2
“Ok fine, lovely kids, is a loose term since they just ransacked my living room and spilled cranberry juice on the white carpet…damn Terrible Twos.”

Post 3
“…and now my husband wont turn the Xbox off. Unbelievable.”

Post 4“
Finally got the kids on track and husband in line and can finally relax!”

I think that’s more realistic then what is usually posted. It’s more believable than, say, something typical like this…

Post 1
“Cant wait to spend the whole day with my lovely kids and amazing husband. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful family! Life doesn’t get much better! ”

Post 2
“My kids are so cute! Evidently they think cranberry juice goes well on white carpet. They’re so precious I could just die! Scrapbook moment for sure!”

Post 3
“…all this while my husband is oblivious since I bought him his Xbox. He deserves it since he works so hard!”

Post 4
“From start to finish today was amazing. Memories that last a lifetime. I am the luckiest person in the world!”

I just get the impression that the first series of posts is what everyone is truly thinking but doesn’t want to say. It’s not everyone either. I applaud those of you that actually say something negative about your life. And if you are being honest with life being so amazing you should still throw in some negatives to make it more believable. I mean heck, how great could your life really be if it’s always so damn great?

Everyone needs a little winter to truly to appreciate the summer.

April 11, 2011

Facebook Friends Breakdown

A basic evaluation of "Friends" on Facebook. Don't act like you don't want to know what category you fall in. We all do.

FB friend totals and what they mean...

0 – 125: Completely Legitimate. Well done with your honesty.
126 – 250: Ok I’ll buy it but let's not get cocky.
251 - 300 : Let’s be honest for a second. There are some debatable picks here.
301 – 400: Yeah you were popular back in the day so I guess maybe I can see it in your case. And maybe your job affords you many “Friends.” Otherwise come on now.
401 – 499: Really?
500 – Up: I don’t see it as being possible unless you are in the public eye. Those that fall under this category please explain yourself…

In the meantime, I’m sure your tremendous base of “Friends” all fall within the following 10 categories. In no particular order...

The “Obvious Friend”
This “Friend” is consists of your typical good friends you communicate with on a semi-regular basis. Your form of communication is quite advanced in that as opposed to simply talking via status updates you actually speak to them via words and actual physical interaction.

The “Family Friend”
This “Friend” is both obvious and at times altogether stressful. Sometimes you have that member of the family you don’t necessarily want to be “Friends” with. For whatever reason. Privacy, etc. You also encounter the distant relative that for all intents and purposes is a complete and utter stranger yet due to their newfound obsession with ancestry.com they feel you are closer than reality suggests.

The “Portfolio Building Friend”
I have a feeling this “Friend” is more common than we’d all like to admit. The “Portfolio Building Friend” is usually labeled as such for one of the following reasons: Friend Popularity and/or Physical Attractiveness.

The “Wish We Were Better Friends Back In The Day Friend”
This “Friend” fulfills the desires of the FB user in that they may have a regret of yesteryear or at one time had wished they were closer. Inviting them to be your “Friend”, in a way, makes up for the fact you never asked that person, for example, to the prom. Unfortunately, your newfound bravado would be nullified should you ever actually see this person in real life.

The “Completely Random Friend”
The “Completely Random Friend” usually sends out his or her Friend Requests to everyone imaginable on the “Mutual Friend” list. Upon retrieval of said Request the first thing that comes to your mind is, “Umm, I’m not even sure we’ve ever spoken and now he/she wants to be “Friends?” You are then placed in the unenviable position to either crush their self-esteem by denying them or choose to “Accept” and chalk it up to building your own portfolio of friends.

The “I’m Fairly Certain You and I Don’t Like Each Other Friend”
These are fascinating. Sometimes you wonder if people have lost all their usable memory. I don’t know about you but my usable memory is quite intact. I do, however, remember whom I deemed enemies back in the day. The only reason to “Friend” someone who falls under this category is to compare current lifestyles and hope to hell you have the advantage. But should you have the gall to send out a “Friend Request” to someone you once tormented or bullied than it only speaks of one thing – Desperation.

The “I Always Thought You Were Cool So This Is My Way Of Telling You Friend”
The IATYWCSTIMWOTYF is similar to the “Wish We Were Better Friends Back In The Day Friend”. However, this one doesn’t necessarily mean you had the chance to be friends back in the day but you did know of said person. Be it through a mutual friend or simply a general knowledge of said person you want to add them as your “Friend” because, well, IATYWCSTIMWOTYF.

The “Those Were The Days Friend”
This “Friend” has nostalgia written all over it. The fun days of yesteryear were in your rearview mirror only to be made readily accessible and brought to the forefront of your memories. Thanks to computer geek and the, ironically, socially-inept, Mark Zuckerberg.

The “I’m Sorry, And You Would Be Who Friend”
We’ve all gotten the “Friend Request”. We say to ourselves, “Umm, am I supposed to know who this person is?” We begin to doubt ourselves. We think twice before rejecting and assume there has to be some connection we’re missing and so we “accept.” The Portfolio Builders “accept” for obvious reasons. The staunchly conservatives flat deny them. The rest of us “ignore” as though it were a homework assignment we know has a due date but since we don’t know the answer we choose to delay the inevitable.

The “Networking Friend”
The NF is an acceptable variation of the random “Friend Request.” Whatever the reason this “Friend” has something you covet. As a result – go for it. But be wary of your privacy settings as a result.

April 8, 2011

Bumper Sticker Anger

I’ve always had a particular disgust for annoying/political statement-style Bumper Stickers. Now that I’ve entered into the Blackberry world (thanks to work and not my personal wealth) I’ve been meaning to take pictures from my car of bumper stickers that drive me crazy and then offer my ever-so-valued opinion.

I haven’t taken said cell phone pics as of yet but I have made mental notes of ones that piss me off. And as such, I present you with the following 5 bumper stickers and the thoughts that run through my head as I read them….

Choice. What a beautiful life. Take that!
(Note: I can not take credit for this creative reversal.
It is borrowed without the express written consent from this person)

 More like: No Jesus. Know Common Sense

Smile. You're a moron.

I hate your Brittany.

I should hope you do. That's like saying, I Love My Wife With No Makeup, but you don't see me bragging about it. If you didn't love your students with autism you'd be an even bigger schmuck than you already are

April 7, 2011

Spare Us The Charity Crap


Nowadays playing the lottery is becoming increasingly popular (just an observation) due to the gigantic sums of money at the ready. As such, I’ve begun to form quite an opinion of what one should do with said winnings when they do happen to be so lucky.

The most recent winners happen to be close to me both geographically as well as in a “6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon” manner…

The 7 fools who won, as we all know by now, reside in Albany, NY. A majestic city in and of itself worthy of such recognition by the national media. Ok lets be real for a second. There have been two good things to come out’ve Albany since the Dutch settled in the 16th century. One is The Crisafulli’s and their ubiquitous home construction empire and the other is The Dimoro’s who gave me my mother-in-law. Other than that Albany does very little for me.

Yes its all about me right now.

The one lucky 29-year old single-broad who won grew up with and is family friends with my wife’s childhood and longtime friend. Due to the fact I now consider myself friends with said friend I am now once removed from this lotto winner.

Millionaire-by-Association. Follow?

This brings me to my actual topic. Spare Us the Charity Crap Would Ya’!

I’m sick and tired of hearing lottery winners talk about all the good they’re gonna do with their newfound wealth.

“Oh I’m gonna start a foundation to help the poor!”

“I’d like to donate a million dollars to Save the Children!”

“I’m so blessed to have this opportunity. I wish to thank god and I plan on building a wing on the Church of the Blessed Mythology!”

I’m sorry but if the first thing you say or think of when you win 20 million dollars is who you plan on donating too than you need a serious reality check. I don’t wanna hear it. Us poor schmucks do not want to hear about you giving your money away to some charity.

I get it. You’re nice. Your’e genuine. You’re unselfish. You’re also a lier. And if you’re being for real about that being your first objective than you’re a moron.

How about this…

“I’d love to stay and chat but my family and I are going to Tahiti for 2 weeks!”

“My family is now debt free!”

“That classic car I’ve always wanted – check!”

“That shopping spree we always dreamed of having – yup. Headed there now!”

I mean lets be real people. Who are you kidding with your sanctimonious (not even sure what that word truly means but I think it works here) attitude. Get to the charity work after you have a little “me” time. Take care of your family and friends. By all means – give. But giving to charities should be after you give to yourself. So please – Spare us the charity crap would ya’!