October 21, 2009

The Overdue Blogger

Its been quite some time now since I’ve made my contribution to the world (aka, blogging) A couple things have happened of late that have inspired me to vent. More “life observations and things that drive me crazy” if you will.

For those who haven’t noticed already I enjoy putting my thoughts down in list format. So here it goes…

1) The Overly Emotional in Public Fan

My wife and I were enjoying a nice dinner and a few beers at a local watering hole in town the other night. It happened to be the same night the Yankees were playing in one of their increasingly aggravating postseason games in which they win. Evidently about halfway through my medium rare buffalo burger something exciting happens in the game. As a result half the bar erupts in cheer and everyone claps as though we were watching the first ever NASA moon landing.

Some might sit there and say to yourself,
“why is that such a bad thing? They’re fans and they’re at a bar and their team
is winning in the playoff!?”
Here’s why: Because in public (these rules do not apply if you are attending the event. “Public” refers to bars, restaurants, etc.) you should never cheer or clap for anything other than moon landings. Ever. End of discussion. Unless of course you are from Philadelphia in which case have a valid reason – you’re a lunatic sports fan. (that’s another blog for another time)

2) The Airplane Landing

This brings me to another situation in which overly enthusiastic clappers need to be reigned in. The Airplane Landing. This one is even worse than The Overly Emotional Fan in Public. The past several years I have done a lot of traveling. And nothing is more embarrassing then when you land and the plane erupts. Clapping everywhere. Some moron starts it and then others follow as though we just survived a flight thru the worst meteor storm since the Cretaceous Period. And this happens when the flight is smooth which is mind boggling. Maybe if we lost power and our plane dipped at an alarming rate and our altitude was taking a nose dive. Maybe. Maybe I’ll understand clapping. Actually no. I wont understand it. You can thank the pilot on your way out. Clapping for a landing is like clapping after your dentist cleans your teeth. Do you do that? If you do then maybe you’re just an overly enthusiastic person and there’s no stopping you.

3) The In a Rush To Leave Airplane Passenger

Speaking of airplanes, The In a Rush To Leave Airplane Passenger is another one that drives me crazy. We all know what and who I’m talking about. Hell it might be one of you reading this right now. What the hell is the rush?! I liken it to a horse race. As soon as that seat belts sign goes off and the “ding” can be heard its as though the gates have been opened. Who can get to their overhead compartment fastest! They should have a trumpet player on board playing that Call to Post like they do at the races. “Ding”.
“And they’re off! John from Missouri gets off to a quick lead while Claire from
West Virginia gets to her purse quicker than expected. But here comes Bob from
Arkansas! He’s moving quickly and has his carry-on out and ready to go!...”
Well done people. Well done. Now you all have your bags. I guess you can leave now since you’re in a rush. Oh wait. No you cant. Since you now stand for 15 minutes! Good thing you were in such a rush! Thank goodness you got out’ve your seat as fast as you did. Otherwise you wouldn’t be standing cramped in the aisle dodging other crazies trying to get their bags from the overhead. I know coach class is not exactly comfortable and the more time to stretch the better but come one people. Take it easy please.

4) The Pyro Loving Concert Fan

We’ve all been to concerts. I myself have not been to many but I’m slowly increasing my total of late. I don’t need to have been to 14 Springsteen concerts, 17 Phish concerts and, god forbid, 9 Dave Matthews concerts to know that the The Pyro Loving Concert Fan has got to go. What is the friegin’ obsession with holding your lighter in the air and swaying back and forth? For christs sake it's embarrassing. Don’t you feel awkward? I know some of you readers do it. I’m definitely in the minority on this one. Seriously though, be honest with yourself for a second. You can’t sit there and tell me you don’t feel like a schmuck swaying back and forth while holding a lighter in the air? Come on people. You don’t feel the least bit awkward? I don’t support lighters and swaying at funerals/memorial’s either so don’t get your hopes up. And for those of you concert-goers that wave their hands – don’t get me started.

5) The Forgetful Office Printer

Most of us work or have worked in an office atmosphere before. For those not lucky enough to have their own printer you have to print to the main printer usually centrally located in the office. Location is not important. Just used for descriptive purposes. I find it thoroughly aggravating when someone prints to the main printer and then leaves their copy of War and Peace on the printer until after lunchtime.
“Hey pal. You printed that memoir at 9am. Get off your ass and take it from the
machine. If you do it again I'm gonna post your next print job on the bulletin board. The boss wont enjoy seeing your fantasy football roster up for the clients”
I do not enjoy when my prints get mixed up with or slide off the arm because someone else is too lazy to make their pick up. It should be second nature when printing. When you click print you get up and go to the printer. Simple. Then you get multiple Forgetful Office Printer’s committing the same intolerable crime and the printer becomes on big recycling bin. It’s a mess. That same schmuck that refuses to pick up what he printed forgets he ever printed in the first place and prints again! The paper just builds and builds and builds! It's never ending!

June 5, 2009

From City to Citi in One Night

A few weeks ago I ventured my way out to Queens to watch the New York Mets beat up on the Philadelphia Phillies. (or the "Phil-Dogs" as my unfortunate South Jersey/Philly coworkers like to call them) You experience the full gamut of personalities while making such a commute. Harrison Path train – WTC (to meet up with rabid Mets fan, Moody’s Finance Sensation and Soon-to-be Guest Blogger Matt Donohue) – 4 Train to Midtown, I think – then the good old 7 train to Queens. Yes, the full gamut.

Not only did the commute offer me ample opportunity to critique people but it also took me to Citi Field which for all those living under a rock is the new field the Mets play at. No more Shea. Although thanks to Kevin James’ son and also Chipper Jones’ son the name “Shea” lives on.

As a result of said commute I was able to make some mental notes for a future blog. Thanks to fellow Mets fan Matt Donohue’s clever idea for the title of this entry I have decided to get my opinions down once and for all. Grab a cup of coffee, read up and enjoy. Maybe you’ll learn something…

1. Never use your cell phone while on the train. Texting was invented for people who commute to work on trains. Utilize it. It doesn’t make any sense to me how people can go about their conversations in all their glory when sitting next to complete strangers. There has to be some kind’ve gene for that. I know I don’t have it thank god. I have the common sense gene. I know that its rude to be yapping with someone on a phone while in cramped quarters (see also elevators, waiting rooms, dressing rooms)

2. Unless you are a female you should try to steer clear of wearing a jersey to the game. A hat? Yes. You can wear a Mets hat. But please don’t wear a jersey. A t-shirt? Maybe. Depends on your non-verbals when you are wearing it. Are you acting all “pumped” for the game? If so, you should be embarrassed. If you’re low-profile with your Reyes t-shirt on I’ll give it an ok. But don’t’ push it.

3. Going back to #2…Girls are encouraged to wear any and all team related clothing. There are few things more attractive (well, more than a few but you get my point) than a girl who dresses up for the game in a jersey and jeans (don’t forget about the ponytail) as opposed to feeling like they need to dress up like they are going out for a night on the town. I’m happy to say that my wife recognizes this and supports said fact. Thanks babe.

4. When going to a ballgame follow the familiar cliché, “act like you’ve been there before.” There is nothing worse than seeing a couple guys talk about how psyched they are to see “THE METS POUND THE PHILS. ROLLINS SUCKS BRO’…” Honestly. Sit down. Or grab a pole and stand still and shut your mouth. Talk lower if you’re gonna talk about the game and at least sound intelligent if you must.

5. Now we’re at the game. Don’t take pictures outside the stadium like you’re a tourist in Times Square. Again, act like you’ve been there. This aint the Statue of Liberty, folks. It’s a baseball stadium. Don’t pose with friends in front of Jackie Robinson’s Rotunda as if it were the Sistine Chapel.

6. While at your seat you should never have any of the following in hand: Binoculars, souvenirs, cameras or a glove…

7. …while we’re on the subject of gloves. If you are over the age of 12 (preferably 11) you should NEVER bring a baseball glove into a stadium. I don’t care if they chose to play with stones instead of baseballs. If you are an adult and you bring a glove you should be permanently barred from the stadium. Fact. End of discussion. It boggles my mind when I see grown men with their gloves all excited to catch a foul ball or a home run. You should be ashamed of yourself if you fall into this category. Seriously, honestly, if you are guilty of this offense take a moment to think about it. Its that grave of a problem. Catch the ball with your hand. Preferably with a beer in the other hand. Not an easy task I know. But when it happens and you get on tv and Gary Cohen compliments the catch you’ll thank me. But if you’re the dimwit with a David Wright home jersey on and your new glove that you had wrapped in rubber bands last night you need to leave the premises immediately. Immediately.

8. Ok. So you’re sitting in your section and you look over and you see a food stand. There is a hot dog stand and there is a sushi stand. Which do you choose? If you chose the latter please read on. If you chose the hot dog then good for you. If you were so unfortunate to choose the sushi stand then someone should take that glove of yours and smack you square in the face. These new stadiums are great. However, they are offering way too much in the way of food variety. You are at a baseball game. The following is a list of allowable food: Hot Dogs, Pretzels, Peanuts, Cracker Jacks, Sausage and Cheesesteaks. That’s it. No pizza. No sushi. No fancy sandwiches. None of it. Would I give you a hard time if you got a hamburger? No I wouldn’t. But don’t think I wouldn’t be thinking to myself, “this schmuck orders a hamburger when there are hot dogs. Who does he think he is? At least he didn’t get a California roll.”

9. High-Fiving fellow fans after a big homerun is acceptable. But only after a crucial home run. If it’s a blow out game, even if its your team that’s winning (blow out constitutes being ahead by at least 5 runs), and your team hits one you can stand and be happy but you should not be high-fiving others. If someone put theirs up in a gesture indicative of a high-five you have to figure out a way to either ignore it or act like you don’t have a free hand. One hand in pocket and one hand holding a beer works well.

10. And last but certainly not least. Should you ever find yourself participating in the “YANKEES SUCK” chant (when you’re not playing them), or yelling “YOU SUCK UTLEY!” (or whomever, in this case if the Mets were playing the Phillies) from the mezzanine where the only thing that can really hear you are the pigeons then would you please leave the building and spare us from your over-indulgence of stupidity??

May 11, 2009

10 Pet Peeves

1. People who come to a complete stop at EZ-Pass. Why’d you get it in the first place if you still stop at a toll booth. Just throw the damn change in the bucket if that’s the case. Go through at a nice 15mph speed and continue on your way. See that long line of cars to your left? Those people are in line because each car has to come to a stop to pay the toll. They all wish they were intelligent enough to have EZ-Pass so they wouldn’t find themselves waiting in line. If you wanna wait in line than cancel your damn account.

2. While we’re on the subject of EZ-Pass. How about the EZ-Pass lanes that have gates which prohibit you from cruising through without stopping? What the fuck is the point of having the EZ-Pass lane then?!

3. People who raise their hand for a question and then when called upon they say “I have a question…” No shit Sherlock.

4. People who walk around with their Bluetooth clipped to their ear. People who do this and follow it up with actually speaking to someone while walking is embarrassing. Tell your imaginary friend you’ll call them back.

5. People, specifically men, who wear their sunglasses inside. Evidently they think the sun penetrates roofing.

6. People who insist on using speaker phone when they call you. You called me. Don’t assume I want to talk to you in the first place. Let alone the entire room.

7. Men who drink wine at a bar. And don’t get me started on men who order martinis. This isn’t so much a pet peeve as much as it is a General Fact of Life. Btw, men, if you so happen to fall in this category of violators please do not hold the glass by the stem…and while you’re at it – untie the damn sweater from around your neck cause you look like a friggin idiot. And about that popped collar – no comment.

8. Guys who buy team jerseys and personalize them with their names. And if you ever put your first name on the back you should be tar and feathered.

9. Men who run to avoid the rain. If you are outside and it begins to rain you do not run for cover. Unless Hurricane Whomever has just made ground you can not act like rain is actually of the acid kind. Its your fault for not carrying the umbrella. Don’t make yourself look worse by looking like you’re afraid to get a little wet. Your $200 Brooks Bros. shirt can be dry cleaned. Wherever you go they will understand if you come in a little wet. In fact, you’ll get sympathy for it. Use that to your advantage.

10. Parking space stalkers. This one is actually my #1 Pet Peeve of All-Time. I’m saving the best for last. Here’s the deal people – if you pass the spot you lose the spot. End of story. There is no such thing as reversing in a parking lot. Your loss. And you should NEVER have your car in park waiting for the owner of the car who was lucky enough to have a good spot. Getting a parking spot is not skill. Its pure luck combined with knowledge of the area. Drive around the lot. Should you be lucky enough to be passing a car which just left or is currently leaving then kudos to you. This next one happens a lot: You see someone rolling down their window to ask someone where they are parked as they are strolling through the parking lot. The person answers you because they are nice. Evidently the person inquiring feels that this spot is now theirs as they idle along side the person creating the most awkward situation ever. (offer to give them a ride if you’re gonna be that much of a schmuck in the first place) You now arrive at the parking spot. However, there are other cars who are following the parking lot rules and happen to be scouring that current location. That parking spot does not belong to you. It belongs to the people who are currently manning that area of the lot. End of story.

February 5, 2009

10 Things People Need to Understand

1. If its warm outside 365 days of the year than you don't live there. You vacation there.

2. If your company runs an office pool than you participate. No matter the cost.

3. Bi-Level homes are too stressful. You should not have to make a choice to go up or down as soon as you enter a home.

4. Wood panelling isn't all that bad. Combine it with some hot chocolate, a comfortable couch and a good book and then let me hear you don't like it.

5. Better looking people have a better chance at success. Fact. If you don't fall into the category than work on it. Don't complain you are unfairly treated. That's life. Human nature. Survival of the fittest.

6. "Open Invitations" to come over do not work and should never be instituted. Someone is not going to just randomly show up uninvited to hang out and claim an "open invite." And when/if that does happen you'll regret ever sending out that "open invite."

7. If you don't have EZ-Pass by now than you don't belong on a highway.

8. A comedy cant be your favorite movie of all-time. It can be your favorite comedy of all-time. Its a separate category altogether.

9. If you have your own office at work and you don't have a picture on the wall than you don't have your own office. You have a closet with a desk.

10. Global Warming is an exaggeration. Are we accelerating the process? Yes. Have we created the phenomenon? No. Life is cyclical. 10 million years ago the planet was covered in ice. Most of it melted. Were there any cars on the road back then?

January 29, 2009

25 Random Things About Me

Since I'm anti-Facebook I took this list to the blog world...

1. If I don’t like how my hair looks it seriously effects my mood
2. I used to be a guy who never stressed out and now I’m always stressed out
3. I cant stand people that don’t hold doors for others
4. I hate people that don’t thank you for letting them merge in traffic
5. I have an obsession with ranking everything
6. I absolutely can not stand Oprah Winfrey
7. I am beyond protective of my sister
8. I wish I was a cowboy living in the Wild West
9. I wish my alcoholic drink of choice was scotch on the rocks but I just can’t handle it
10. I think the only man who can and should drink a martini is James Bond
11. I hate massages
12. I envy people like Christopher McCandless (Into The Wild)
13. I don’t have a hero per se but John Walsh comes closest (Created America’s Most Wanted after the kidnapping and death of his son in the 80’s)
14. I am an atheist
15. I’ve never been to the circus
16. I had cotton candy for the first time a couple weeks ago
17. I wish I had an Australian accent
18. I am extremely jealous of people who know how to break dance. I find it utterly impressive and fascinating
19. I hate Halloween
20. I wish I knew how to play the guitar
21. I can’t wait to be a father and plan on being great at it…
22. …I used to look forward to growing up and now it upsets me
23. I wish I had majored in architecture
24. I believe in aliens and ghosts
25. My wife is the most passionate person I know

26. I secretly love making lists like this
27. ...which explains the "Bonus" category
28. I love my eyelashes
29. ...I feel uncomfortable complimenting myself