October 23, 2010

Anxiety Central - Part 2

Part 2 - Getting Haircut Anxiety (GHA)

We have delved into the depths of BPA and now I’d like to give you a little understanding into the suffering that takes place in the minds of people with a disorder known as GHA, or Getting Haircut Anxiety.

GHA attacks at the inner-core of one’s self-esteem. This is precisely why it’s not all that uncommon of a disorder as compared to BPA where only certain lunatics like myself suffer from it.

What are the causes of GHA?

For starters lets talk about the mirror. The mirror issue is twofold. First, I don’t know about you but I am not a fan of sitting in front of a mirror and being forced to look at myself for an extended period of time. If I were in a dressing room trying on clothes that may be one thing. Sitting in a chair staring at yourself with a smock on that makes it look like your head is popping out’ve a volcano is not my idea of a stress-free 20 minutes.

And what is it about these mirrors anyway? I feel like the mirrors in barbers, salons, etc. magnetize all your problem spots. Again, I do not enjoy analyzing these “problem spots” for 20 minutes while being confined to an uncomfortable chair.

Second, I find it extremely difficult to hold a conversation with the hairdresser when they are standing behind me. I marvel at how people next to me rattle on like this is Alice In Wonderland (I think that’s the right mirror reference? Wait, maybe not. I could be way off with that.) Nobody else finds it incredibly awkward holding a conversation with someone behind you?? I’m notorious (I bet my face is in the hairdresser Blackbook of Boring Personalities) for not saying very much at all when I’m getting my haircuts. I’ll try. I will. Sometimes I have good days and the hairdresser and I are like Butch and Sundance but other days, most other days, we’re like a broken relationship where one person (the hairdresser) is trying to hold on for as long as possible only to realize their spouse has effectively shut them out from all communication. It’s sad when you think of it like that. It’s sad living with GHA.

Another cause of GHA comes towards the end. The question comes at you like the proverbial elephant in the room – “So what do you think?!”

I’ll tell you what I think. "I think the sides aren’t blended in properly and I’m gonna get laughed at when I walk to my car. You blatantly ignored me when I said not to take too much off the top and now I’m going to look like a guy who didn’t have the guts to go short-short and instead settled with the awkward in-between length!"

Ok fine, so I didn’t say that out loud but don’t think I wasn’t thinking it. Even if it weren’t really true. GHA is known to distort the truth. Here’s what I did say, “Good. Nice. Yup. Thank you.”

After that uncomfortable exchange where the hairdresser is making a mental note to put my name and picture in the Blackbook of Boring Personalities comes the next awful moment: The hand held mirror to the back of the head.

Every time we get to this point I hope to hell they don’t go for this move. I mean what am I supposed to say? Here’s what I do say, “Yup. Good.” Followed by an awkward head nod as if to say,
“Please put the mirror down. It’s fine and I’m not going to tell you I don’t like it so can we please move on! I suffer from GHA!”

Again, mental note for the Blackbook of Boring Personality.

All this being said you might think since I suffer from GHA I hate getting haircuts. I would understand if you thought that. However the opposite is true. I love getting haircuts but mainly because I love the feel of a clean head of hair. I love the comraderie between client and hairdresser (albeit a pretty bland one for their sake). They have the power to make me look good and that’s impressive. As a result, when I find someone I like I’m a loyal soldier and they reap the financial benefits of a better than average tip and a twice a month customer.

So thank you for dealing with my bouts of GHA, stylists. And as a result here is a plug for your business's. You've all earned my trust and thus why I'm a returning client. For someone with GHA that is no easy task!

Epitome Style Lounge

Bangz Salon

David Chad Salon

JT's Barber Shop, Verona

October 6, 2010

Welcome to Anxiety Central - Part 1

Part 1 - Bagel Purchasing Anxiety (BPA)

For those of you out there who tend to think life is fun, stress free and all-in-all one giant playground I offer you a look at how the average man (myself) looks at life. The following is an anxiety of mine that I battle on a semi-regular basis. Life shouldn’t be so stressful but for someone afflicted with BPA it can be nothing but.

Who doesn’t love bagels? (readers from the South and Midwest need not answer) A good bagel is a great thing. In fact, one can argue that a good buttered bagel in conjunction with a nice cup of hot chocolate is one of the simplest yet greatest meals on record. That being said the idea of enjoying the bagel happens only after the terror of purchasing the bagel. Or in the case of someone stricken by BPA – purchasing 2 dozen bagels.

Some of you out there are reading this thinking I’m crazy. Go ahead and laugh at me. You should know that this is no laughing matter. I’m a realist suffering with BPA. And if you’re a realist with BPA you understand the fact that having to decide how many of each type of bagel to purchase is one of the more stressful events you can undergo in any given morning.

This morning I purchased 2 dozen bagels (+ the proverbial 2 free bagels which now brings the astronomical total to 26) Here was how I broke it down. And the following list is in order of how I placed the order:

(6) Plain
(3) Onion
(3) Garlic
Analysis: Bang! Just like that I knocked out a dozen. Doing good so far. Only I see what’s going to happen already – I’m gonna be entirely too short on the Onion and Garlics.

(3) Poppy
(3) Sesame
Analysis: Can’t go wrong with old reliables when under pressure. It’s possible I’ll be the only ones eating them though. Poppy and Sesame are very mid-90’s. Maybe a bad decision. Now I’m freaking out. I only have 6 to go.

(3) Cinnamon Raisin
Analysis: My mind is racing here. I know people like these creative type of bagels only I’m not an expert in the best kinds. I know the common ones though so that’s where I went. Not an easy choice and it never is when you suffer from BPA.

(3) Plain
Analysis: I might’ve begun to shake before I made this choice. Talk about folding under the pressure. At this point just give me the bagels and get me the hell out’ve here…

(2) Everythinig
Analysis: Damn the Bonus 2! Although thank goodness for the Bonus 2 since I know a lot of Bagel Eaters enjoy the Everything. I think I actually stepped up to the plate with the Bonus 2. Good pick under immense pressure. Hopefully made up for the poor finale selection of (3) plain.

In an agonizing 2 minutes of having to choose 26 bagels I think I would give myself a B-. The Poppy and Sesame choices lack any real flair nowadays and I think in some circles I may even get laughed at. Whole Wheat and Egg were two notables that got lost in the 2-minute frenzy. I also think I should’ve had more Onion and Garlic. Hmm, maybe a C+ now that I think about it…

The moral of the story is that there is an immense amount of pressure in ordering bagels for everyone. What if people don’t like Onion and Garlic and the rush to get the plain bagels hits early? They’re sitting there sans Plain bagel complaining that there aren’t enough. Then you have the creative types clamoring for more Garlic or, in this case the non-existent Everything bagels. Agonizing. The scenarios can go on and on.

Do you see how difficult this is people? BPA is by no means a laughing matter. Do you or anyone you know suffer from BPA? What does everyone else think about the order? Any suggestions on how I should break it down the next time I find myself under the proverbial gun?

Author’s Note: This blog was intended to list several anxieties. However due to the length of the current BPA post I will feature a different anxiety in a future post under the banner of “Anxiety Central.” A running series of posts if you will.

October 2, 2010

Let's Be Honest With Ourselves, People...

1) Calling someone a "Dr." who is a Chiropractor or Dentist simply shouldn't happen. Their professions are worthy, don't get me wrong, but come on - Doctors? Nah.

2) This one’s for the women out there. A good man is not hard to find. Most of you just don’t look in the right places.

3) I wouldn’t want to live in New Jersey either if all I saw was the NJ Turnpike. That being said, I’ve seen maybe 75% of Pennsylvania and I can say for certain that I would never want to live there. Except for Pittsburgh of course...

4) Can all you Brad and Angelina haters come out’ve the closet already and just admit you’re actually jealous of them? You girls wish you were Angelina and you guys (myself included) wish you were as cool as Brad. Don’t be ashamed.

5) The only real difference between a “cult” and a “church” is the amount of members.

6) No child grows up wanting to play lacrosse over baseball. It’s not human nature. It’s a sad result of having grown up with poor parenting. (See Ongoing Debate - Baseball v. Lacrosse)

7) When and if you’re ever “saying grace” at a table, regardless of your religious beliefs, are you ever really saying grace? Or are you thinking about what everyone else is doing right now? Are their eyes open? Are they looking around the table? Are you holding the person’s hands too tight or too soft? Do you have sweaty palms and just want this handholding ritual to end immediately?!

8) Tiger Woods is not the only star athlete with a different girlfriend in every city he visits. He’s just the one that got caught.

9) Stop attributing violence to video games. I’m fairly certain if I had grown up playing Grand Theft Auto I wouldn’t be crashing cars and beating up policemen. Video games are just another excuse for parents instead of taking responsibility for how their children are raised.

10) There should be no reason someone who is gay can not get married. It’s actually pretty embarrassing something like that is even up for debate. Why the hell should the government have any say in who you marry?

October 1, 2010

Can Someone Please Explain...

1) Why the elderly do not have to retest for their drivers licenses once they get to a certain age? This really shouldn’t even be up for debate.

2) Why we don’t just legalize marijuana and tax the hell out’ve it and put billions of dollars back into the economy? People use it anyway. Just give in and legalize it. Colorado will be happy.

3) How the hell someone can ride a bike with no hands? Every time I see someone doing this it astonishes me. There has to be magic involved.

4) How a fax machine works so efficiently?

5) Why the President and/or World Leaders wont just do what they think is right instead of doing what they feel the public wants. You were voted in for a reason. Right or wrong. Just be decisive and lead.

6) Why we do not allow the people of Puerto Rico (this reminded me of The Three Amigos when Steve Martin says “The people of Santo Poco…!”) to vote in the presidential elections yet the president governs them? That makes no sense.

7) How the Empire State Building was built in, give or take, a year? In a time when there was no such thing as CAD, computers and plotters. That’s a feat that doesn’t get enough play.

8) Why Israel gets in trouble for defending themselves?

9) The point of learning script anymore? Just do away with it altogether. It’s been a long time coming.

10) Why we still consider Columbus to be the person that “discovered” America when he arrived and there were already people here? He might’ve put us on the map, literally and figuratively, but he didn’t actually discover anything.