January 28, 2011

5 Societal Observations

1) Who are the morons with a foot of snow on the top of their car a week after a snow storm? It drives me crazy. First of all you look like you’re driving around with a mattress dipped in white-out that happens to be the exact size of your roof. Second of all, are you that lazy where even after a week of snowfall you are yet to brush it off?

2) Do you ever notice that when people save a file on their computer they don’t use spaces in between the words? It’s always annoyed me but lately it’s driving me crazy. Use a god damn space people. You’re allowed to. It’s not like the file saving component disallows it. What’s even more annoying is the people that use the underscore in between each word. Why are you afraid to simply use a space??!! Name the file like a normal human being please!

3) People need to cut the crap and stop using their flashers when the roads get a bit hairy. We understand why you’re driving extra-slow in the right lane. Turn the god damn flashers off. We get it. We understand. The roads are bad. Give it a rest.

4) The practice of car owners who refuse to park their precious vehicles near other cars because god forbid someone should park too close and maybe nick it! Even worse, when they decide that one spot is not enough for them so they park diagonally in the corner of the lot. Or simply park on the top of the white line. If your car is that precious where you feel you’re obligated to more parking spot than the rest of us sedan owners than keep the thing in the garage. And if you want to park a half mile away in the mall parking lot as to ensure noone is around you then you should consider taking anxiety meds. I know a few of you out there who do this. Come on now…

5) I cant stand when I see parents “walking” their children. I’m sorry but that backpack that looks like a monkey is a leash. Would you put a leash around your child’s waist if it didn’t look like a monkey? No you wouldn’t. Well this is the same thing. If the monkey makes you feel less guilty than so be it but know it’s demeaning. So now we’re in an age where people carry their ratty little dogs in handbags but “walk” our children. Think about it. How about holding your child’s hand? Novel idea.

January 26, 2011

A Book Is a Conquest

Now that the holiday season is officially in our rearview mirror I’d like to discuss something that has been on my mind. It has to do with technology. A certain technology that is beginning to take over a certain landscape of society. I think its only prudent I take my opinion to the blog world so the people closest to me realize the errors of their ways. There are several readers of mine that fall into this category and it’s disturbing. I implore those of you and all others to change your ways since it’s a disturbing and frightening trend that needs to come to an end.

A book should not be read on a mini-computer screen.

A book, my friends, is a conquest. It’s a trophy. It’s a gold-starred book report pinned to your parent’s refrigerator. It’s tangible. It exists in the three-dimensional world.

A book belongs on a shelf not a hard drive. You turn the page. You dont scroll from page to page. You don’t upload or download a book. You stand on line and buy a book. Hell, you even add a book to “Your Cart” and wait 3-5 business days.

This technologically-unnecessary product called The Kindle is bringing our society down one downloaded book at a time. I’m quite certain in my belief that anyone who says they have “read a book” on Kindle has lost grip on reality. You have done nothing of the sort.

The problem lies in the definition of what a “ book” truly is. A “book” is not Chapter 1 – Chapter 20. A “book” is the binding. It’s the cover and the inside flap. It’s the chosen font. A “book” is hard cover or paper back. (preferably hard cover) A “book” sits on your desk silently calling your name. A “book” sits on your nightstand awaiting bedtime. A “book” stands upright on your shelf and reminds you of the time you felt the author was speaking out to you. It reminds you of the time when you found yourself shedding a tear during the climactic chapter.

A “book” is more than words. A “book” is someone’s story. A “book” is someone’s passion. A “book” is A – Z. It's the recipe as well as the finished product.

A “book” and all it’s texture and depth belongs in your hands and not on a computer screen.

A book…everyone…has a soul. Don’t rob yourself of that soul. Appreciate the soul.

…Appreciate the soul.

January 25, 2011

25 Random Things About Me - 2011 Edition

1) I have a favorite funeral home. I always make mention of it when I pass it so my wife knows just in case. Is that morbid?

2) I’ve always had a secret desire to have a part-time job being the shopping cart collector in a grocery store parking lot.

3) I love a good No. 2 pencil. It beats a pen any day of the week.

4) I used to say I’d never live anywhere but New Jersey. Now all I need is a valid excuse and I’m gone.

5) I can’t sleep with my head close to the headboard. As a result I’m always too low on the bed and my legs hang off.

6) I think the people who don’t believe in aliens are the crazy ones. Not the other way around.

7) I remember my freshman year locker combination like it was yesterday yet I don’t remember any of the other ones.

8) …on a related note – I have a recurring nightmare where I forget my gym locker combination and I can’t change into my gym clothes which throws me into a panic. Horrifying I know.

9) I’m a firm believer that dairy is terrible for you once you get out’ve the baby stage. Telling that to mozzarella when it’s staring you in the face is a different story though.

10) If I could do it all over again the Road Rally would not have taken place. Only a few of my readers can understand this one.

11) I’m jealous of just about everyone I know for different reasons. I wonder if anyone is jealous of me?

12) I have a playlist on my iPod called, “Depression 101”. Nice, right? Don’t worry – I also have “Relaxation 101”

13) On a musically related note, I’ve been trying to lock down my Top 5 Favorite Songs of All-Time and I’m finding it extremely difficult. It’s delaying my long-awaited and highly-anticipated Blog entitled, “A Life Consumed by Rankings” (working title).

14) You can never be the coolest guy at the party if there is someone there who can grab a guitar and start playing. As a result, I wish I knew how to play the guitar and so should you.

15) I’ll take a mountain and a lake over a beach and ocean any day of the week. Don’t get me wrong I love the ocean but if I had to choose one or the other I want to be on my porch overlooking a lake and getting ready to set out on my canoe at dusk.

16) …if that were my life you could bet I’d have my iPod playing in the background and the playlist would be called, “Lakeside 101”

17) I’m a firm believer that you’re not a man until you have a picture on your wall of you holding a fish you’ve caught. The bigger the better obviously. I’m not a man just yet.

18) It’s my belief that if you’re one of those guys who claim he’s never cried than you’re also a guy who hasn’t opened his eyes or his heart.

19) I have an incredible difficulty talking on the phone with people around me. Anxiety Central blog, anyone?

20) I think that if you’re a man and you’re at a sports bar and you don’t get a beer than you’re not a man.

21) I’m finding it extremely difficult to go through 25 of these and not mention my disdain for religion. I almost got there. I’m improving.

22) I haven’t had an Entenmans cookie in a very long time but I’m like an alcoholic who wanders past a liquor store when I enter 7-11. “It’ll just be one more box I swear.?!!”

23) I think that if someone tells you they’re not afraid of death they’re lying to you.

24) …on a related note – it pisses me off when people call someone who commits suicide “selfish.” I get why they think that but at the same time I can say the same thing about you if you think their actions negatively effect you (even if they did)

25) No I’m not depressed. I’m just deep.

January 14, 2011

A Date With The Devil

Forgive me Readers for I have sinned.

On the 10th day of my newfound health kick complete with vegan culinary options around every corner I succumbed to the devilish temptations of the Pork Chop.

Not only was this a spur of the moment date with said Pork Chop but it was a spur of the moment date with said Pork Chop stuffed with Prosciutto and Fontina cheese. This is not much different then if, say, on a whim President Obama decided to give Kim Jong Il a call to meet for cappuccino and biscotti at the local communist coffee shop.

Quite similar.

I’ve snuck in one or two minor cheating sessions in the first 10 days but none worthy of mention like this one.

I think those gals from Skinny Bitch fame say the devil reveals themselves in mysterious ways (At least that’s what my wife tells me they say. Honest). Well the devil came out to play last night. And if that devil finds himself on the next menu I lay eyes on and he sounds something like this…

Well lets just say that if he sounds something like that than I'll have another Date With The Devil.

January 13, 2011

Only 15 Years For This??

Not sure if this is becoming a trend to comment on articles I find disturbing but nonetheless it’s beginning to happen.

Can someone please explain how this Indonesian degenerate father of four faces only 15 years in prison for readily admitting to raping 96 boys?

Cops: Toy salesman admits raping 96 kids

Anyone who’s seen
Locked Up Abroad or simply turned on the nightly news knows that if you so much as have a joint on you while in Indonesia you’re facing stoning or a firing squad death. Literally. Yet a man who admits to raping 96 boys gets 15 years. Yeah that makes sense.

Heres some advice should you find yourself traveling to Jakarta anytime soon – if you get caught with drugs just tell the police it’s only candy and you planned on luring helpless kids in with it.

15 years or a firing squad – I’ll take the corner cell, please.

January 10, 2011

Day 8 – Welcome Back, Big Guy

To Whom It May Concern:

We, Your Body, wrote that letter last week, as we said, out of concern. This week we wanted to apologize. Maybe we jumped the gun. We should’ve known better.

What a fantastic weekend. I do have to say it was a tad alarming when we witnessed you turn down pizza and cupcakes at your niece’s birthday party. Sending green leaves down the chute and asking us to process that stuff is like asking Will Hunting to do simple arithmetic. Needless to say it wasn’t very challenging for us.

And then as though it was Ali returning to the ring you gave Your Body a night of fun and a Sunday that made us pinch ourselves.

Saturday nights seemingly endless barrage of Swedish Meatballs reminded us of the good old days. And just when we thought it couldn’t get any better we find out you’re going to your friend’s house in Chatham. A house that prepares and serves food like Ali jukes and jives. A house that sends shivers down the spine of those lunatic herbivores. We knew you were better than that so we were thrilled to get started.

An endless supply of wings and cured meats. Umm, 3 words – back in business! If you were wondering why your stomach felt like crap last night it’s cause Your Body was churnin and burnin down here. Working overtime trying to break down that stuff! Not that we’re complaining and anyway we had a feeling things would change now that football is in high gear.

Keep it up big guy. We missed ya. As far as today goes we’re not sure what’s up with the lunch choice. Peanut Butter sandwich on some fake bread with a side order of cherry tomatoes? A bump in the road I’m sure. No worries.

Welcome back, big guy,

Your Body

January 7, 2011

Was This God's Plan?

Ok so this is a little off kilter from a typical blog of mine but an article disturbed me this morning and I can’t help myself from commenting. This is not mean to be anti-religious as much as it sounds like it does. It's meant simply to question a belief that some believers have. Albeit potentially to some people’s dismay.

Quite often I hear the following statement, “It’s Gods plan…”, when something bad happens to someone or if someone dies or what not. More or less it’s an answer that believers in God use to explain something terrible that has happened. As opposed to just facing the facts that life has both good and bad and there is no “Plan” to anything. It’s simply, as I like to say, is what it is.

People live. People die. There are good people. There are bad people. There is no “Plan” for anyone. We all make our lives what they are by making our own decisions.

I realize not all believers think there is some type of “Plan” but I also know that some do.

I’ll get to the point. If there is a so-called “God” and he did have a so-called “Plan” then how can you rationalize his “Plan” for these disabled women who were sexually assaulted?

If this was God's "Plan" then he's a sick individual...

L.A. officials receive video of men sexually assaulting disabled women

Article from CNN.com

Go ahead. Try to explain this one. It’s sickening.

January 6, 2011

Day 5 – Letter of Concern

To Whom It May Concern,

We, as Your Body, are writing this letter to alert you of some recent transgressions.

There has been a drastic change in what we’re seeing coming down the chute of late and would like to know how long this troubling and easily digestible diet will continue. Not to be selfish but we, as Your Body, enjoy the painstakingly difficult task of breaking down processed foods and find it disconcerting that we are seeing less and less of it.

To site some examples: We recently witnessed the removal of all candy from the home. Was this intended or a simple lack of judgment? There has also been an alarming increase in foods such as: dates, raisins, apples and rice that our researchers have dubbed something called “soy”. Your guess is as good as ours on what that means. Also, it came to our attention and became an alarming topic of conversation down here when a broccoli shipment was received.

Don’t get us wrong though, we did enjoy the mashed potatoes which didn’t seem to jive with the current pattern of eating and also thoroughly enjoyed the Yuengling last night. We look at those as positives and hope to see more.

Another thing, waking us up at the crack of dawn to battle the elements and lift heavy objects and run is not something we particularly enjoy at this juncture. Have you not realized that most people aren’t on the roads that early? There’s a reason this facility you are going to is not that busy.

Again, this is just a warning notice and nothing to concern yourself with this at this point. We, as Your Body, want to make sure you’re still with us - the chocolate loving, processed-food and dairy enjoying man you are. Hopefully something drastic hasn’t happened.

We’d hate to lose ya’ to health, big guy.

With Concern,

Your Body

P.S.. There are bagels in your office today. What the hell are you waiting for??