April 11, 2011

Facebook Friends Breakdown

A basic evaluation of "Friends" on Facebook. Don't act like you don't want to know what category you fall in. We all do.

FB friend totals and what they mean...

0 – 125: Completely Legitimate. Well done with your honesty.
126 – 250: Ok I’ll buy it but let's not get cocky.
251 - 300 : Let’s be honest for a second. There are some debatable picks here.
301 – 400: Yeah you were popular back in the day so I guess maybe I can see it in your case. And maybe your job affords you many “Friends.” Otherwise come on now.
401 – 499: Really?
500 – Up: I don’t see it as being possible unless you are in the public eye. Those that fall under this category please explain yourself…

In the meantime, I’m sure your tremendous base of “Friends” all fall within the following 10 categories. In no particular order...

The “Obvious Friend”
This “Friend” is consists of your typical good friends you communicate with on a semi-regular basis. Your form of communication is quite advanced in that as opposed to simply talking via status updates you actually speak to them via words and actual physical interaction.

The “Family Friend”
This “Friend” is both obvious and at times altogether stressful. Sometimes you have that member of the family you don’t necessarily want to be “Friends” with. For whatever reason. Privacy, etc. You also encounter the distant relative that for all intents and purposes is a complete and utter stranger yet due to their newfound obsession with ancestry.com they feel you are closer than reality suggests.

The “Portfolio Building Friend”
I have a feeling this “Friend” is more common than we’d all like to admit. The “Portfolio Building Friend” is usually labeled as such for one of the following reasons: Friend Popularity and/or Physical Attractiveness.

The “Wish We Were Better Friends Back In The Day Friend”
This “Friend” fulfills the desires of the FB user in that they may have a regret of yesteryear or at one time had wished they were closer. Inviting them to be your “Friend”, in a way, makes up for the fact you never asked that person, for example, to the prom. Unfortunately, your newfound bravado would be nullified should you ever actually see this person in real life.

The “Completely Random Friend”
The “Completely Random Friend” usually sends out his or her Friend Requests to everyone imaginable on the “Mutual Friend” list. Upon retrieval of said Request the first thing that comes to your mind is, “Umm, I’m not even sure we’ve ever spoken and now he/she wants to be “Friends?” You are then placed in the unenviable position to either crush their self-esteem by denying them or choose to “Accept” and chalk it up to building your own portfolio of friends.

The “I’m Fairly Certain You and I Don’t Like Each Other Friend”
These are fascinating. Sometimes you wonder if people have lost all their usable memory. I don’t know about you but my usable memory is quite intact. I do, however, remember whom I deemed enemies back in the day. The only reason to “Friend” someone who falls under this category is to compare current lifestyles and hope to hell you have the advantage. But should you have the gall to send out a “Friend Request” to someone you once tormented or bullied than it only speaks of one thing – Desperation.

The “I Always Thought You Were Cool So This Is My Way Of Telling You Friend”
The IATYWCSTIMWOTYF is similar to the “Wish We Were Better Friends Back In The Day Friend”. However, this one doesn’t necessarily mean you had the chance to be friends back in the day but you did know of said person. Be it through a mutual friend or simply a general knowledge of said person you want to add them as your “Friend” because, well, IATYWCSTIMWOTYF.

The “Those Were The Days Friend”
This “Friend” has nostalgia written all over it. The fun days of yesteryear were in your rearview mirror only to be made readily accessible and brought to the forefront of your memories. Thanks to computer geek and the, ironically, socially-inept, Mark Zuckerberg.

The “I’m Sorry, And You Would Be Who Friend”
We’ve all gotten the “Friend Request”. We say to ourselves, “Umm, am I supposed to know who this person is?” We begin to doubt ourselves. We think twice before rejecting and assume there has to be some connection we’re missing and so we “accept.” The Portfolio Builders “accept” for obvious reasons. The staunchly conservatives flat deny them. The rest of us “ignore” as though it were a homework assignment we know has a due date but since we don’t know the answer we choose to delay the inevitable.

The “Networking Friend”
The NF is an acceptable variation of the random “Friend Request.” Whatever the reason this “Friend” has something you covet. As a result – go for it. But be wary of your privacy settings as a result.

2 comments:

KCheb said...

As someone with well over 500 Facebook friends who is not a public figure of any sort, I would like to say that I actually know every single one of the people on my friends list. It comes from going to a tiny Catholic elementary school, a public middle school, an big Catholic high school, a huge Public University, a big private university for grad school... and having a variety of full time jobs, including one where 1100 people reported to me. I know a lot of people. Does that make me some kind of freak?

JAG said...

Not a freak. It makes you impressive!