Warning: Living in a Natural Disaster Area is Not Intelligent

So I recently made a business trip to the lovely (dump) city of New Orleans. Prior to going I had heard such wonderful things about this charming (dirty) and unique (smelly) place. I heard the people were outgoing (seedy) and friendly (beggers). I heard that Bourbon St. was a great (nasty) place to visit. I heard that bars (whore houses) lined the streets as far as the eye can see. I heard you could walk up and down the streets without a care (keep an eye on your wallet and jewelry) in the world. All you have to do is visit all the great (non-Italian…ok fine, the seafood was good although gumbo overload occurred after hour 2) restaurants. The amicable (I don’t know you so stop talking to me like we go way back to the days of hunting ‘gators in the bayou with your cousin Big Al) people say that hurricanes are only a distraction (utter nightmare that forces you to evacuate your city) in September…

…And thus my segue into the real topic that needs to be discussed. The absent-minded idea that one would ever settle down in an area that is prone to natural disasters!

I’ve thought long and hard about this topic, roughly 29 years or so, and I’ve come to the following conclusion: I do not feel bad for you if your life is ruined by Mother Nature. Whether it be a Hurricane, Tornado, Earthquake, Mudslide, Typhoon, Flood, etc. etc. etc. The fact of the matter is that you knew and know damn well that you shouldn’t live there in the first place.

Lets take New Orleans for instance. The city’s foundation is BELOW sea level. I repeat, the city’s foundation is BELOW sea level. Please, for the love of all things pack your bags. Get in your pickup truck and head inland! (not that there is anything else in Louisiana worth habitating but that’s fodder for another blog) For crying out loud if the earth rotates half a degree more one year you’ll be eating your crawfish in Davey Jones’ Locker. It simply makes no sense. And I don’t wanna hear about your family’s roots or money problems. I don’t want to hear it. Move the damn family to higher ground. I hear Denver is nice (and natural disaster free as long as you don’t live on a ski slope).

And, ahem, Florida and The Carolina’s, don’t think you get a free pass either. Let me guess, “Oooh Myrtle Beach is sooo beautiful”, “Ft. Lauderdale is a wonderful place to live”, “Oh my god Hilton Head is gorgeous this time of year.” Spare me will you. Please. Ok let me get this straight. You are willing to sacrifice your life, all your possessions, your family and your home for a few nice beaches? You don’t go to the beach from November through February anyway. And hurricane season is from June – November. So basically you live there worry-free for 2 months. April and May. Those two months are worth the russian roulette you play the other 10 months, ‘ey? Really intelligent way to go about it let me tell ya’.

As far as the morons who live on the gulf coast of Texas go – well, your first mistake was ever moving to Texas. Your 2nd mistake was not listening to your governor tell you that you will die if you stay. Your 3rd mistake was thinking that a piece of plywood will protect your new Pella window. And most importantly, your 4th mistake was not comprehending that if you have to build your house on stilts than you should’ve been clued in from the get-go that this was not a good place to call home.

Ok enough with the hurricanes. This blog has already gone on too long. Lets get into the idea of living in the path of a Tornado. What corn-growing, tractor-pulling, brain surgeon thought this one up?! Couple things to keep in mind should you be someone thinking of moving to the “bread basket” of America. 1) If your neighbor is 1.5 miles down the road. Don’t’ live there. 2) If you cant see water or a mountain or a hill or anything resembling a city out’ve your living room window. Don’t live there.

Now, what is rain? (in a literal sense who the hell knows and that’s for a later blog) But in a basic sense its just that – rain. For instance, we here in the tri-state area don’t like when it rains cause we get wet. When you live in Kansas rain indicates a greater problem. When a family in Kansas puts on the weather channel and sees that it may rain later they immediately head to Wal-Mart (47 miles away) and act as though the President just said the Russians are invading. Head to the basement! Bring the dogs in! Put the horses in their stable! Grab your bibles and all your belongings! Head to the shelter!!! It’s like a Michael Bay movie. All this because a simple thunderstorm may and usually does produce a tornado. A funnel shaped cloud that forms out’ve the sky and runs through your state like a, well, like a battalion of Russian tanks run through their neighboring countries.

You surf loving California kids don’t get off that easy either. This just in, don’t buy a home on the side of a cliff. Cliffs are made of rock and dirt. When dirt gets wet it turns into mud. Mud has a tendency to do what gravity tells it to and that’s to go down. I’m no genius but that’s not exactly a bright place to live…

…oh, and those of you in California that decided to buy your home on the largest fault line in the world – no comment. No comment necessary. When you watch tv and they say its only a matter of time until “the big one” hits you should reevaluate your living situation. There are plenty of nice places to live in California let alone the country that should suffice.

Listen I’m not hear to insult anyone. We all know people living in areas as described above. I have family living along the gulf coast. I used to have family living in Florida. (yes their house was destroyed a few years back, btw). All I’m trying to do here is hammer down the idea that some charm, nice beaches or a “quiet and peaceful way of life” is not all its cracked up to be once “the big one” hits. There are other states that got a free pass here. I just highlighted some of the major violators of common sense. When I break it down you really only have a few options for a nice place to live. They include: New Jersey, New York, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Colorado, Michigan and Arizona. Some other locations are debatable. This isn’t an end all be all list. Just to be used as an example. Maryland is close but some people can argue Lacrosse is a natural disaster as well…

Until next time.