The 25 Observations of The Holiday Season: Day 3, The Company Holiday Party

Day 3 – The Company Holiday Party

Each Holiday Season there are several constants. Other than Alcohol Consumption my favorite constant is the Holiday Party. It goes without saying it doesn’t hurt the Holiday Party Fun Factor that these two go hand-in-hand…

(Alcohol and it’s necessary relation to the Holidays is a future blog don’t worry)

Tonight I will be attending my company’s Annual Holiday Party. I’m a sucker for these events because I enjoy dressing up and drinking wine and beer and talking with people I normally would never say a word to. I enjoy the across-the-table uncomfortable conversations with people you would otherwise talk behind their back too.

Another bonus about the Company Holiday Party is the ability to see what your colleagues are like when under the influence. Who’s the crazy dancer? Who’s the one unable to hold their liquor? Who’s the one that breaks free of all inhibition? These are all fascinating studies in the life of the working man or woman.

That being said here’s a sample conversation that may take place tonight

Me: How’s it going, man? Nice little party, no? You’re looking sharp as always. Well done.

Other: Eh. I hate these things. I hate coming to these parties. They’re so lame. Don't ya' think?

Me: Yeah I guess I can see that. Well, Happy Holidays anyway. Cheers, bud.

That’s a quick little snippet of a conversation that may take place. Actually, I guarantee it will take place. Now, let me translate what those words really mean.

Me: I’m only talking to you ‘cause everyone else is busy. Honestly I’m not happy you’re at my table and you look like an idiot. Who dressed you?

Other: Eh. I never liked you and I’m waiting for you to leave me alone so I can get a smoke and talk shit about you.

Me: Happy Holidays you prick.

Bartender – Another round!

The 25 Observations of The Holiday Season: Day 2, That Other Decoration

Day 2, That Other Decoration

As we enter the Holiday Season it’s only natural to see more and more decorations around every corner. Christmas lights on the home. Christmas trees in the stores. Wreaths on the light poles. For the religious sensitive towns out there you have the snowflakes or candles on the light poles. There is one decoration that certain morons choose to incorporate into this lovely season that drives me crazy. In fact, I can honestly say I’m not sure how it doesn’t drive everyone crazy.

This particular decoration/ornament is so heinous that anyone who even wavers in their opinion on this deserves to be instituted. There is no discussion. If you find yourself disagreeing with this blog please comment. Please. I need to know the rationale. Keep in mind, however, that there is no convincing me otherwise. Why? No not because I’m stubborn. I’ll tell you why. It’s because this is not an opinion. This is a fact. And the fact of the matter is that I hope to all hell no one personalizes their automobile similar to this…

When I drive by cars decorated with these god awful Rudolph nose and antlers I want to run them off the road and leave them in a ditch to suffer. I picture the car flipped on its side and the ridiculous red Rudolph nose slowly teetering to the grill only to fall off in the slushy snow and be buried ‘til Spring. Sounds terrible when you put it in words but it’s true.

I hope none of my readers are guilty of this. I can only hope my audience knows what’s best.

The 25 Observations of The Holiday Season: Day 1, Christmas Lights

Seeing as it that today is December 1 and the Holiday Season is officially in full gear I felt it necessary to get back in the swing of things. As a result I will have a new blog up each day until Christmas…at least that’s the plan as of Day 1….a regular old “25 Days of Christmas” if you will. Only I plan on adapting the name. Without further adieu I bring you:

The 25 Observations of The Holiday Season: Day 1, Christmas Lights

I’m going to begin by stating that this topic and my opinion on it has been brewing in my mind for as long as I can remember. As such this may turn into a violently opinionated blog. Consider yourself forewarned should you find yourself in the Crosshairs of Criticism.

Every year at this time I find myself observing and critiquing every decorated house I pass. It’s "mind-bottling" what must go through people’s minds when they put their lights up. And I wont even mention the big lawn blow-up decorations people, ahem a certain past guest blogger, put on their lawns! What is this Candy Land or something?

Here are a few general rules for your outdoor holiday décor:

1) Do not combine strands of different color lights. Go with one general color. White or mixed color lights. Sounds contradictory to the rule but you know what I mean. Don’t put mixed color on one bush and solid on another.

2) On a related note to #1 – Do not mix solid lights with blinking lights. In fact, throw the blinking lights in the garbage. They look broken anyway.

3) I’ve said it once and I’ll continue saying it for every holiday in the future. No ridiculously large blow-up decorations on your property. And if your neighbor has them it reflects poorly on you as well. Convince them to take them down. They are certainly decreasing your property value. Embarassing. (A certain ex-Guest Blogger of mine falls victim to this crime. Shameful. Shameful)

4) One word – Symmetry. Learn it. Love it. Live by it.

5) I don’t want to ever see blue lights on a house. Ever. Including you Jewish folk. Stop. Just stick to the candles. If you want to hang lights and be all festive and fun then ditch the menorah altogether and go with the Christmas tree.

6) Please take the mangers and their spotlights to the desert in Jerusalem. Are we really shining a spotlight on a fake baby jesus with fake camels and mannequins praying? Are you really displaying that on your lawn? Think about it. Religious or not it’s kinda silly, no?

7) Less is more. Don’t overpopulate your house with lighting. Quality not quantity. In fact, overpopulate a couple small areas and make them look perfect and bright as opposed to stretching out lines of lighting all over the frame of the house. Make one tree great as opposed to 4 bushes with lights splattered around. Only Clark Griswold succeeds in quantity and quality.

8) If you’ve decided to be one of those houses that wants to attract onlookers than make sure you go all out. Don’t just flood the property with lights, reindeer and a few toy soldiers. If you want to attract people than go all the way.

9) Spotlights are underrated and underused. Embrace them.

I saved the best for last…

10) Christmas season holiday decorations belong in the garage or the attic up until the time you wake up stuffed with turkey. No outdoor decorations should be up prior to Thanksgiving. This is blatantly ridiculous if you have the nerve to hang Christmas lights and haven’t even carved a turkey.

Two words – Get a clue (ok, so maybe it was 3 words)