Believe it or not I was trying like hell to avoid the topic of religion during the 25 Days of Christmas series. Honest. However, anyone who knows me knows I can’t go too long without sharing my opinion on the subject. The tipping point?Christmas Eve Mass
Yup. I attended. Good thing they weren’t carding at the door. You can ask me why I went since I’m a noted anti-religion-ite. I’d give you two reasons. Both are true but number 1 is the only real reason. Had it not been for number 1 I would’ve gladly stayed home and committed sins on my own time.
1) I only attended out’ve respect for my wife’s grandmother. She was staying with us and has to attend so as a result we have to attend or else we feel the wrath of The Gram.
2) What better inspiration for a blog than to go undercover and see what really goes on behind those church walls! Thank God for the song sheet He provided His followers. It proved to be an excellent tool to jot my “Observations” down on! Thanks Big G’. In this case you truly were a Savior. A true Godsend indeed!
I’m not sure how to go about this particular post. Do I list all the different “Observations” or just start to rant. I fear if I go sans-list I may run off on tangents so I think I’ll go list format.
Observation #1:
Ok so before I get into the idea of what actually takes place at Church I’d like to talk about what takes place prior to Church. And I’m not talking about anything ceremonial, etc. I’m talking about what happens at home.
As in, What are these 16 year old girls thinking when they step out’ve their house and into Big G’s house? Umm, did they look in the mirror? Did their parents choose to ignore the fact their daughter looks like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman this evening?
I’m not sure how to go about this particular post. Do I list all the different “Observations” or just start to rant. I fear if I go sans-list I may run off on tangents so I think I’ll go list format.
Observation #1:
Ok so before I get into the idea of what actually takes place at Church I’d like to talk about what takes place prior to Church. And I’m not talking about anything ceremonial, etc. I’m talking about what happens at home.
As in, What are these 16 year old girls thinking when they step out’ve their house and into Big G’s house? Umm, did they look in the mirror? Did their parents choose to ignore the fact their daughter looks like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman this evening?
Would the Virgin Mary dress like that if she entered your home? I think not!
Observation #2:
Ahem, parents, you don’t get off that easy either. You ever hear of those “Ugly Christmas Sweater” parties that are becoming all the comical-rage? Yeah well this wasn’t one of them. You would’ve been better of wearing your teenage daughter’s pink mini-skirt than that hideous ball of wool.
Observation #3:
Parents, are you really going to force your 2 year olds to stand in the aisle for this entire mass? Standing room only should only be a term used for sporting events. Not for the Big G’s house of fun. They have no frigging idea where they are and who the hell Gloria is and why she’s being subjected to exultation. Whatever it is it doesn’t sound pretty I know that much!
Observation #4:
Christ has died.
Christ has risen.
Christ will come again.
Really? When? You’d think he would’ve come back by now, no? Maybe stuck in holiday traffic. It can be a doozy! Maybe next year he’ll return and grace us with a special appearance! I smell a tangent…..when he does return do you think he’ll do a talk show circuit? I’m willing to bet that when the Big G’ comes back he does Oprah’s show first. She always gets the big celebs. Oprah and the Big G’. My two favorites!
I wonder what the first question will be. If it were me I’d ask the following:
Do you get nervous walking on clouds like I get nervous walking in my attic? Don’t want to step on the insulation or else you’ll fall thru.
Observation #2:
Ahem, parents, you don’t get off that easy either. You ever hear of those “Ugly Christmas Sweater” parties that are becoming all the comical-rage? Yeah well this wasn’t one of them. You would’ve been better of wearing your teenage daughter’s pink mini-skirt than that hideous ball of wool.
Observation #3:
Parents, are you really going to force your 2 year olds to stand in the aisle for this entire mass? Standing room only should only be a term used for sporting events. Not for the Big G’s house of fun. They have no frigging idea where they are and who the hell Gloria is and why she’s being subjected to exultation. Whatever it is it doesn’t sound pretty I know that much!
Observation #4:
Christ has died.
Christ has risen.
Christ will come again.
Really? When? You’d think he would’ve come back by now, no? Maybe stuck in holiday traffic. It can be a doozy! Maybe next year he’ll return and grace us with a special appearance! I smell a tangent…..when he does return do you think he’ll do a talk show circuit? I’m willing to bet that when the Big G’ comes back he does Oprah’s show first. She always gets the big celebs. Oprah and the Big G’. My two favorites!
I wonder what the first question will be. If it were me I’d ask the following:
Do you get nervous walking on clouds like I get nervous walking in my attic? Don’t want to step on the insulation or else you’ll fall thru.
Observation #5:
Ok so the first 4 were softballs. Its about time I threw some heat at the Church. One thing that has always bothered me about Church was the not-so-subtle pressure to donate applied to it's members. I don’t feel bad for the adults who give money. That’s their loss. I do, however, feel bad for the elderly people who are made to feel like they have to donate their money. They are made to feel like their precious old church and their Priests who work for barely nothing are struggling to get by and need their donations to pay the bills. I don’t wanna hear it.
The Vatican is arguably one of the wealthiest private organizations in the world. They own stocks and real estate in just about every corner of the world. Not to mention their art and gold collection. All this and yet the Catholic church acts like every dollar matters. Passing their old looking wicker baskets to make it look like that’s all they have. It’s a sham to end all shams.
Keep donating to the church. See where it gets ya’.
Observation #6:
The next time you’re at Church do me a favor. As you’re standing just look around. Really analyze what you’re seeing. Really look at it and think. Think about what everyone is doing. People with their hands in the air. People singing about a mythological person. People with their eyes closed and praying to a figure that doesn’t exist…
Now I ask you – when does the sacrificial cow get brought out? And when it does come out I hope it’s grass fed as opposed to corn fed. Much healthier for everyone involved!
Side Note: I’m fairly certain everyone around me knew I wanted no part of being there. It was odd. I really felt as though I had a giant scarlet letter ‘A’ for Atheist on my chest. Honest. I wonder if they knew? It was probably written all over my face. Or they might’ve noticed my notes. Either one.
Observation #7:
When everyone goes up to “receive communion”, I think that’s what its called, and the volunteer says, “Body of Christ” what do you think you’re doing actually? Don’t get me wrong, when I was a kid and made to attend Church this was my favorite part of mass. It was always great to get a snack since I am always hungry and it also came towards the end so I knew once we started lining up in the bread line I knew Church was coming to an end.
So anyway, when you eat “the body” does it make you feel closer to the Big G’? Tangent alert….while we’re at it what’s with the wine? I know it’s supposed to represent “The Blood of Christ”, right? I feel like very few people ever drink the blood so how about we do away with that altogether. My vote is to take the volunteers who hold G’s blood and give them another plate of bread to hand out. It would make the lines go quicker. Just a thought.
I’m gonna stop at 7 Observations because first of all, if I keep writing I may find myself on a direct path to Hell and that’s never fun…unless of course I say a Hail Mary in which case all is forgiven. Phew! And second, I think the Catholic thing is to have 7 fish on Christmas Eve (or is it Christmas Day?) and since I didn’t have 7 fish I decided what better alternative than 7 Observations!
Happy Holidays
Ok so the first 4 were softballs. Its about time I threw some heat at the Church. One thing that has always bothered me about Church was the not-so-subtle pressure to donate applied to it's members. I don’t feel bad for the adults who give money. That’s their loss. I do, however, feel bad for the elderly people who are made to feel like they have to donate their money. They are made to feel like their precious old church and their Priests who work for barely nothing are struggling to get by and need their donations to pay the bills. I don’t wanna hear it.
The Vatican is arguably one of the wealthiest private organizations in the world. They own stocks and real estate in just about every corner of the world. Not to mention their art and gold collection. All this and yet the Catholic church acts like every dollar matters. Passing their old looking wicker baskets to make it look like that’s all they have. It’s a sham to end all shams.
Keep donating to the church. See where it gets ya’.
Observation #6:
The next time you’re at Church do me a favor. As you’re standing just look around. Really analyze what you’re seeing. Really look at it and think. Think about what everyone is doing. People with their hands in the air. People singing about a mythological person. People with their eyes closed and praying to a figure that doesn’t exist…
Now I ask you – when does the sacrificial cow get brought out? And when it does come out I hope it’s grass fed as opposed to corn fed. Much healthier for everyone involved!
Side Note: I’m fairly certain everyone around me knew I wanted no part of being there. It was odd. I really felt as though I had a giant scarlet letter ‘A’ for Atheist on my chest. Honest. I wonder if they knew? It was probably written all over my face. Or they might’ve noticed my notes. Either one.
Observation #7:
When everyone goes up to “receive communion”, I think that’s what its called, and the volunteer says, “Body of Christ” what do you think you’re doing actually? Don’t get me wrong, when I was a kid and made to attend Church this was my favorite part of mass. It was always great to get a snack since I am always hungry and it also came towards the end so I knew once we started lining up in the bread line I knew Church was coming to an end.
So anyway, when you eat “the body” does it make you feel closer to the Big G’? Tangent alert….while we’re at it what’s with the wine? I know it’s supposed to represent “The Blood of Christ”, right? I feel like very few people ever drink the blood so how about we do away with that altogether. My vote is to take the volunteers who hold G’s blood and give them another plate of bread to hand out. It would make the lines go quicker. Just a thought.
I’m gonna stop at 7 Observations because first of all, if I keep writing I may find myself on a direct path to Hell and that’s never fun…unless of course I say a Hail Mary in which case all is forgiven. Phew! And second, I think the Catholic thing is to have 7 fish on Christmas Eve (or is it Christmas Day?) and since I didn’t have 7 fish I decided what better alternative than 7 Observations!
Happy Holidays
2 comments:
I think this qualifies as an official one-way ticket to hell.
A part of Ginny just died...
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